Episode 2: Marriage and Disability

Kristy: 00:07
Welcome to Unshaken, the podcast where unwavering faith meets real life. I’m Kristy, and together with my husband Tony, we dive into authentic conversations, offering biblical insights and sharing stories that inspire resilience, especially for families navigating the unique challenges of disabilities. Join us each week as we explore faith, family, and the journeys that keep us grounded in Christ. Don’t forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode. Let’s stand firm together.

Tony: 00:41
Well, welcome back. So my name is Tony, and I’m here with my wife, Kristy, and we are here for another episode of Unshaken. Today we are um talking about our marriage and and how we’ve kind of navigated that. In our last episode, we kind of told a little bit of our background and a little bit of our story. Uh, but today uh we just wanted to kind of walk through our marriage. And we know that marriage is just beautiful, uh, but marriage can also be messy. Um and when you’re dealing with a disability or multiple disabilities, uh, that adds layers that uh you know are beautiful and messy at the same time. So it it’s just one of those things that we hope that uh through our stories and and through the things that we’re able to share today, um that you guys will um be able to find hope and through our story and and just know that um with the honest and authentic way that we’re gonna do this, that uh you guys are able to relate to us in in a way that just feels personal and just feels real. Uh so

Kristy: 01:56
Um all right, I think I’m gonna start this one if that’s fine with you. Um so when I think of our story, like our marriage and kind of where we started and where we came from, uh, I think of it as a tapestry. And the reason that I say that is because when you look back on it, it’s beautiful. It’s this detailed, nuanced, just I don’t know, so sort of ongoing just picture of where we’ve been. And and um there’s the pieces of our lives that were there at that time. But in the moment, when the tapestry is being woven, we can only see threads and we have no idea what it’s gonna look like you know, from this moment forward, we can only see backward on that. Um and so I guess for for me, although we were you know we were friends for a long time before we ever thought of even dating, but um I guess our I would say our tapestry probably starts with that first date, which was a disaster. I don’t even know what to say about that. Um obviously there was a second date, so there’s that. But uh so on our first date, we went to Pizza Hut, because that’s the kind of family we are. And um I drove uh because uh with Tony’s cerebral palsy, he does not drive. So I always drive. And we got out of the car and I was walking around, I walked around the front of the car uh so that when I was near him, I was like a step in front of him, and I turned around to see where he was, and just as he had gotten out of the car, he fell. Face plant wiped out.

Tony: 03:44
Face plant straight in straight into the uh gravel. Yeah, because it was a gravel parking lot, and yeah, just straight face face plant.

Kristy: 03:54
So immediately I I had just this swarm of thoughts, right? Uh how how am I gonna get this guy off the ground? And then I thought, like, I should I should help him. And I was like, no, you should ask, you should be respectful. And then I thought, well, no, because then you’re gonna make him have to say, yes, I need help. Um, and so my mind is just going back and forth, like, how do I protect his dignity? And I kept coming back to how am I gonna get this guy off the ground? Um, and as it works out, I think when you have a physical disability like that, you’re pretty good at getting yourself off the ground um.

Tony: 04:28
I am an expert at falling. And so, like, for me, in in those, in those seconds, like I’m doing everything that I can to like scramble and get up off the ground as quickly as I can. And and of course, because it’s loose gravel, when you try to do that quickly, you actually make it worse because you can’t get any traction, you can’t get any footing, and so yeah, I was uh as graceful as a bull in a China shop.

Kristy: 04:56
But we got through it. Um, and that was that was really the start for me of of really learning about Tony’s disability. I think before that, we had, like I said, we’d been friends for so long. And I never really thought much about his disability. It never applied to me, it never had really anything to do with me because anything that that we did, he was fully capable of doing it. It was only when we were all by ourselves and and sort of separated from, you know, from the like from work or, you know, families or whatever, that it just kind of started to show up. And um that day was really, I mean, it really was pivotal for me because those issue, I just never had really thought about those issues. I had now, like I said, I never really thought of him as a disabled man. And then in those moments, as I’m thinking, like really, I I want to say almost more about myself than about him because I didn’t want to mess it up. I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable. Obviously, he was already uncomfortable. I didn’t want to exacerbate that. Like it was just such a such a tough thing. And we did, I mean, we navigated through and it was fine, and we went inside and we had a good time. And uh

Tony: 06:14
Yeah, I was very thankful for for that second date, but but the entire time, even as we were walking in and and you know, trying to get settled into the date, like I’m I’m thinking in my head, okay, this this beautiful moment, this beautiful woman is never gonna want to date me again. Like this, this is gonna be one and done, like she’s never gonna talk to me again, like like we’re done. Like I’m I’m already like I I’m just I’m just mortified at this point.

Kristy: 06:45
And that was never even a thing. I it for me, it was more did I embarrass him, did I make him feel worse at a situation where I knew he already felt bad? Like maybe he’s never gonna want to see me again, is kind of what I was thinking. Um, but I think you know, at the start of our tapestry there in that first scene of of what God has woven of our lives together, um, I mean, I think that was really the start of just a a sea of communication things that we would have to work through. Um as, you know, as we got closer and and things kind of changed and whatever, uh, I learned something really interesting about my husband, and that is that it’s really hard for him to get his socks on in the morning. There’s times where it could take him 45 minutes and he has to change his shirt because he’s so sweaty and just with the the issues with flexibility and back pain, and it’s just a really tough thing. And uh, I mean, how do you know that up front? Um, so I guess with time, we’ve learned to talk about things like, do you want some help with your socks? You know, and it it does feel very awkward to ask a completely a completely able adult man, you know, in in any other capacity, hey, do you need some help with that? And to do it in a way that doesn’t make him feel like he’s your toddler or son that you’re gonna sit on the stairs and put his, you know, put his socks and shoes on him. Um, you know, and so we really have worked hard to kind of normalize those kinds of conversations. Um sometimes it’s around time, you know, we we’ve got to get somewhere. And so we just kind of assume like we’re in a hurry, the fastest way to get this done is this. Um, you know, but there’s times where it’ll be, you know, several days we’ve got busy stuff going on, and I start to worry, like I need to, we need to allow some extra time because I’ve done this like three, four days in a row, and he’s got to be feeling some kind of way about that. And I don’t want him to lose the flexibility that he has to be able to get it done when I’m not here. Um, Tony, what can you add to this? I feel like I’m

Tony: 08:57
Yeah, I mean it’s it’s it’s one of those um balances that that you have to that you have to navigate because Cerebral Palsy in and of itself is is not degenerate degenerative, but you know, if you don’t work the muscles, it’s too easy to to lose the the flexibility, it’s too easy to lose you know the motor skills and and the and the function to be able to to be able to do you know those basic things. And so even even if my brain never forgets how to put on my socks and shoes, if if I don’t do it myself and struggle myself, you know, from time to time, then you lose the ability to do it. So when there’s not a time component to it, you know, I will make the decision to go ahead and and struggle and and by Kristy letting me struggle, she’s not being mean, she’s not being uncaring, she’s not being unloving. In fact, to me, she is being loving because she’s allowing me to continue to have the skills that I need to be able to do it on my own when I have no choice but to do it on my own. Um, you know, I I see it as a luxury that she’s able to help me when there is a need, you know, because of time or or whatever else, um, to be able to uh lean on her and and allow her to help me in in those situations.

Kristy: 10:36
I think it’s uh it’s kind of part of there’s lots of sort of role conflict, is what we’re talking about here. Um have a sociology background, and so those kind of terms pop up for me, but um, there is some conflict, right? In in doing things in certain ways or for each other that just typically aren’t the case. Um like I said, I always drive, and I don’t know. I I never we never really have talked about whether that is a thing to Tony. It’s I think about it from time to time. I as it works out, I hate to ride. I would rather drive. Uh, you know, so it’s a lucky coincidence for me, but

Tony: 11:18
Yeah, I did not marry a uh passenger princess, and so um I’m thankful for that. But there there are times when when when I do wish that that I could drive. Uh, you know, when when Kristy’s not feeling well and she needs like cough medicine from from the pharmacy or you know something like that, or like you know, we need um a gallon of milk. Or, you know, there there are things that like Kristy’s in the middle of doing something and we need whatever from the store, like it it would be and for for most couples, the husband will grab the keys and run out the door and grab whatever it is that that’s needed and and while allowing the wife to continue to do whatever it is that that she’s doing. And in our case, that’s not the case, you know. Uh unless you know I choose to like Door Dash or something like that, you know, where you know, and in in some cases we can do that and and where we can I have. Um but again, you know, what happens in in the middle of the night, you know, when when there’s something that’s needed, uh I I can’t run out and and go get it. You know, it has to be it has to be Kristy. And sometimes she’s tired. Sometimes, you know, she doesn’t want to get up and go do those things. And and so yeah, there there are times where where I do feel, you know, a little twinge because because I’m not able to do those things and she has to. And that and and I think that’s the that’s the big key for it is that I try to avoid situations where she has to do this because of my disability. Right? So so if I can avoid putting us in those situations where she has to, because there is no other choice, then then it’s okay for me. But when but when it stares me in the face, that’s when that’s when it starts to feel bad.

Kristy: 13:27
And that’s those are the times when I don’t mind. I if I’m completely honest, it’s when I come home and there’s laundry everywhere, I’m annoyed because he’s fully capable of doing laundry. But I don’t feel a bit bad when you know when I need to run to the store or something like that. It’s it’s that’s just that’s what I signed up for. Uh I I knew who I was marrying and you know a lot about him at the time we got married, and I I opted in so

Tony: 13:58
You said yes twice. Yes when when I asked her to marry me, and then yes again when uh she walked down that aisle. So she had two opportunities to say no, and she chose to say yes twice.

Kristy: 14:11
But it’s just dumb stuff like that. It’s it’s you know, it it feels like dumb stuff in the moment, but like I think if you’re not careful and if you don’t communicate as a couple, if you don’t really talk about it, you can find yourself in a situation where somebody feels really bad. Um and and silly stuff. Like it’s we’ll go somewhere and because Tony walks with a crutch, there’s a buffet. So usually I go through twice, I go through once and make a plate for him and bring it, and a second time and you know, bring one for myself, but it’s he doesn’t get to pick out what he eats for dinner, you know. It’s it’s just it’s little things like that. And it it sometimes it makes me sad because I feel like there are things that uh that just like that, like not get not to pick out your own dinner that are just it’s just unfortunate. I don’t think he cares. I my guess is that probably doesn’t bother him as much as it bothers me.

Tony: 15:09
My my wife knows me very well and she knows what I like to eat, and so I I trust her to just be able to go through the line and just uh make make me a good plate of food. But but I mean it’s a it’s a good point because if things are not communicated, you know, one of the big things that can happen is is just that um that feeling of resentment, you know, and so you know it’s it’s one of those things that like that’s why communication is so important and those conversations are so important, so that the resentment doesn’t build up.

Kristy: 15:43
Right, on either side, the one who who needs the support and the one who does the supporting either way, that can be really tough. Um I think uh it’s a it’s an animal that sort of rears its head in a lot of areas. Um I think around issues of like intimacy and connection, like that’s always an issue too, where um it’s I mean, it’s just it’s tough and people are tired. Uh whether you’re the one who has the disability or or um you know, or or the one who’s helping out, or it may be a situation where there’s both. I mean, it’s it’s tough, you know? It’s it’s tough to make those things happen. Um people are cross, be just, you know, there’s been a little bickering because somebody had a really rough day and a lot of back pain, or you know, whatever the case may be. And I think I think it’s more important than ever in those moments to be intentional about connecting and don’t you you just can’t let those things fester. It’s like a splinter. And if you take it out right away, it’s fine. If you leave it in there a few days you need an antibiotic, I mean.

Tony: 16:57
Yeah, and the and those are and when you add then kids to the mix, that adds a whole other layer of of you know, how do we get things done? And so if if both, if if the kids are able-bodied, or if if one of the kids has a disability, now you’re adding a whole other layer onto you know onto how everything works and how everything functions. And so uh that’s why you know we’re spending a lot of time on this communication piece because we know how vitally important um it is to truly stay keep that line of communication open and stay in a place where like there is that safe space to be able to communicate those things so that it doesn’t fester.

Kristy: 17:47
I think also uh you have to communicate the events and and the reasons why, whether we realize that we are or not, we communicate our emotions. And it may be that I have had a rough day and I think I’m keeping it in and I’m not taking it out on anybody, but you know the body language of the people that you love the most, and and they know like you can’t hide it if you’re down, if you’re sad, if you’re depressed, if you’re angry, frustrated, that all comes out. And when you bring that energy, you know, into a relationship, whether it’s with kids, with your spouse, just even as a family, and people don’t understand the reason for it, it that can be really off-putting. It makes people wonder, is it me? Did I do something? Oh my gosh, I must have been, you know, a pain, or I must have been needier than usual. Or, you know, it’s it’s just the things that we the way that we connect the dots in our brain and sort of build a narrative that you know explains it to ourselves, that’s not always reality, and sometimes it’s worse than reality. So I think we have to share that reality so that people don’t go down those rabbit holes and think things that aren’t necessarily true.

Tony: 19:04
Right. And and for for me, and I know I I speak for a lot of people that you know have a disability or that are living with a disability, uh, the last thing that you want on the planet is to be a burden. Right? You never want to be a burden, uh, especially to those that you love. You know, like you don’t want to, you know, you want to add to their life. You don’t want to subtract, or you don’t wanna, you know, you certainly don’t want to add a load to where, you know, they’re dreading being around you, or they’re they’re they’re dreading, you know, the you know, the the tough parts of the day because they know this is gonna happen or that’s gonna happen, or you know, so it so for me having the physical disability, one of the things that that I really struggle with and I and I really try to fight is just making sure that um that I’m not a burden to Kristy, and making sure that that we are communicating in a space so that if there’s something that I can do to not be a burden, that I do those things. And you know, whether whether that is the laundry or or picking up a towel or what you know, whatever the case may be, I want to make sure that I’m never a burden to my wife.

Kristy: 20:25
Um, I think that uh how do I say this? Maybe uh uh something that can happen if we don’t communicate well, it can even happen if we do communicate well, is people just people start to feel isolated, right? They feel like I am the problem, I am, you know, I am the issue, so-and-so has to do all this stuff for me, or I have to do all this stuff for you know for that person. For Tony and me, um, we are geographically separated at least half the time. Uh we talked about it in our first episode, but uh I’m back and forth between Tampa Bay and Melbourne, and that separation is not because we’re not happily married, because we are, if it’s, you know, it’s it’s life, it’s kids and work and and those kinds of things. Um, and maybe your family’s separated, maybe if you’re a military family or you have a work situation also, or maybe it’s treatment for a kiddo that’s got a situation, a medical situation, or who knows. Um, so so that’s that’s tough in itself, but I think it’s also exhausting to be the parent of a kiddo with a disability. Maybe you’re lifting a 60 pound child, you know, over and over again in the course of a day, or maybe you have um, you know, a kiddo with with a different kind of disability. Maybe, I mean, I work myself, I work with I have 17 kiddos who have autism and apraxia. They’re non speakers. And some days when I come home, I’m worn. Out. For my students, if if we’ve been out of school a few days, even sometimes just a weekend, it is quite an adjustment on Mondays for them to settle back into that routine. It’s a lot. And whether you’re a mom or a dad in that situation, or um even an adult with a disability, for me, I know Tony has CP. I have rheumatoid arthritis, and there’s times like where I just hurt, you know, for days. And it’s not debilitating. I’ve been really blessed to remain really functional, you know, so far. But when you just hurt and you’re tired, um sometimes you just kind of want to shut the world out. Um I think also, um, especially I think in in families where there’s disability, a lot of times that impacts um how many breadwinners there are and and how that’s divided up. And there is tremendous pressure on somebody, especially somebody who’s a sole breadwinner, to be successful at work, to um, you know, to continually be able to be promoted, to, you know, to find ways to meet the needs of the family more efficiently and better. That is a lot of mental load. It’s exhausting. It’s it is a lot. And I think any of these things can be really isolating. And I think um, you know, there’s a lot of things that we can do um to kind of offset that, but we really have to be intentional about communicating with each other, about being in constant communication with God and and just praying together. I I’m sure we’ll talk about that um a million times over the course of this podcast, but I mean it’s just really critical. But anyway, that isolation can be really damaging to a marriage. And um, so any, you know, any ways that you can connect and remain connected, those are your lifelines, especially on those really hard days.

Tony: 23:56
And so one of the ways that that Kristy and I connect and and and that we stay connected is really through our faith. You know, we we will share you know verses with each other, we will share, you know, Bible studies together, like we will do those things. I I I’m trying to get better about um writing kind of devotionals for us and and just sharing when I do a study of a chapter uh recently did a study on Job, the first chapter of Job, and I’d I’ve been intentional about writing down my thoughts, not not in a teacher way, like I’m not doing it to teach Kristy anything. I mean, she can read the Bible just as well as I can, but but just to just to give her my thoughts and give her where I see you know this scripture, and and because I think when you do that, you’re you’re bringing someone into an intimate space. You’re bringing someone into in into like where you see things and and where things are not like cut and dry. You know, this is not like math, like a a math tech textbook where like two plus two equals four. You know, in in the Bible, there’s a lot of interpretation. There’s a lot of, you know, here’s what I think. Here’s you know, here’s how I read this, here’s you know, the things that kind of stuck stood out to me. And so I I think that by sharing those things, you’re you’re one, you’re being vulnerable, and two, you’re allowing, you know, someone into that space that doesn’t always happen. And you know, so so that’s one of the things that that we that we always try to do is we always try to make sure that our faith is truly the center of our marriage.

Kristy: 25:46
I can I jump in on this for a second? Absolutely. So the other thing I’ll say about that is when Tony sends me something like that, or if I start it and send it to him, it’s that topic, like the whatever he’s read in the Bible or I’ve read, and you know, one of us has shared our thoughts, that is a completely safe, it’s sort of like an untouchable thing. Like you can’t fight there. There’s there’s nothing to bicker about. I mean, it’s it’s it’s sharing our you know, our perspective on God’s word. And so I think it really does reserve kind of a clean, tidy place where on those really tough days, if that’s the only place you can connect, at least you’ve built yourself a sanctuary there by sharing that kind of thing. And you can sort of meet outside your everyday stuff and connect and and have that spiritual intimacy, you know, in those in those tough moments.

Tony: 26:39
Yeah, and and for any marriage, I would say one of the things that I I’ve always you know learned, especially as as I’ve gotten older, is just being able to laugh and and almost being able to laugh at yourself. Um, I mean, I fall all the time. And and I remember that the last time I fell outside, um, I I looked at someone and I said, yeah, that that piece of sidewalk looked at me funny. So I had to go down there and and and you know teach it a lesson. And you know, so it it was just it was just one of those things where you have to be able to to laugh and and and be able to see things that know that you know the moments the the moment might be tough, like falling, you know, might not be you know the the most funniest thing in in the world, but it’s just a moment. It’s not it’s not the end of the world. It’s not, you know, um you know it’s just one of those things where you have to just be able to laugh. And and that’s one of the things that Kristy and I are are able to do um with each other is we are able to laugh together, and um, and sometimes it’s it’s she’ll send me uh a video that she thinks is hilarious. And I’m like, really? Are you serious? Oh my gosh. And so like We have it so wrong. And so we we end up, you know, we end up laughing, you know, I don’t I don’t want to say at each other, but but with each other because of just the different way, the different things that we find humorous, and so you know, though those kind of things you just have to be able to laugh. And right now she’s laughing at me right now.

Kristy: 28:25
So I am the thing is I think I think a much higher percentage of the internet is funny than Tony does. I don’t know. I don’t know, but we do, we laugh a lot, and it’s um it’s it’s so connective, right? You laugh with somebody and you’re laughing for 20 or 30 seconds and it changes, I mean, it could change everything. You wake up grumpy or you’re not feeling good or whatever, and it just it just really brings a a renewal, like a a spirit change. Um I I couldn’t say enough about it. Um and I guess that kind of brings me to a another point here. Um it’s it’s choosing each other on those hard days. It’s when things are tough, um, especially when things are tough for both of us at the same time. If we’re gonna fight, and we really don’t, I mean, over the years, way back when, ooh, we used to have some doozies. Yes, we did.

Tony: 29:25
We used to have some drag outs, but but I think we’ve learned, you know, it’s a lot.

Kristy: 29:30
Yeah, we don’t we don’t fight much anyway. All this to say that if we are gonna fight, if we are gonna bicker or be cross with each other, it’s when we’re both struggling on the same day. Um there’s a researcher and author that I like a lot, Brene Brown, and she um she talks about this idea of 80-20 or 60-40 or I got 20, I got 40, you know. And what she means by that is, you know, if I’m feeling amazing and high energy and it’s a great day, and it’s a high blue sky and everything’s wonderful, maybe I got a hundred. And if I’m hurting and I can, you know, hardly walk, and my balance is bad and it’s just one of those rough things, maybe I got 20, maybe I’m exhausted, maybe I had, you know, I was grading papers till two in the morning, or you know, whatever it may be. And the same with Tony, maybe he woke up, you know, with a real stiff back and he’s struggling, or you know, he’s got work stuff, or whatever it may be. Um, I can look at him and say, babe, I got 30. And he’ll say, it’s all right, I got 60, or, you know, uh we we kind of work it out that way, but it’s it’s using that number system has just really helped us a lot because between the two of us, we got to get to 100 or as close to it as we possibly can. And where there’s days where I got 20 and he’s got 20, we got door dash, or we got, you know, that we’ve got to find a way to fill in that gap instead of just trying to like push through the day and everybody gets beat up that day. It’s a tough day.

Tony: 31:01
Yeah, I mean, there the the the myth is that marriage is 50-50, and that’s that’s such a big myth. There is no 50-50 in marriage. It it just it’s never gonna happen that way. Marriage is is is fluid, it’s it’s one of those things that sometimes, sometimes, yes, it’s day by day, sometimes it’s hour by hour, sometimes it’s minute by minute. And like Kristy said, you know, the the days that that really get up on my radar are when I’ve got 20 and she’s got 20. And when we look at each other and and we’re both in that place where where neither one of us has much, that’s the place where I’m like, okay, let’s stop for a second and let’s figure out how we’re going to navigate this day without biting each other’s heads off. And and so, like she said, you know, okay, you’re not cooking today, we’re gonna, we’re gonna get takeout, we’re gonna we’re gonna not worry about being productive today, we’re gonna lay in bed and watch movies all day. I don’t care. You know, we can it just we just know that okay, if we’re both having just tough, tough days, for whatever reason, maybe it’s not a physical thing, maybe it’s um a mental thing, you know. It doesn’t matter why you’re having a tough day. The fact is you’re having a tough day and you’re at 20, and your spouse is also having a tough day, and they’re at 20, you have to figure out how to navigate that day so that that deficit doesn’t become destructive. And and and that’s the that’s the the key. Like, I don’t worry if she says, I’ve got 80, and I’m like, oh, thank God, because I only got 20. That’s fine. Like, she knows she’s gonna carry me that day. And there are days where it’s the exact opposite, where she wakes up and she looks at me and she’s like, babe, I don’t got much for you. And I’m like, Kristy, don’t worry about it. I got you. And and we’re you know, and and we do it that way. So, you know, it’s it’s really again, uh, we keep harping on it, but it comes back to that communication and being able to say, Where you at? This is where I’m at, and being able to to to navigate once you know where each other’s at. Because because ultimately you’re in this together, you’re not fighting each other, you’re in, you’re in this life together. So you have to figure out a way to fight together.

Kristy: 33:29
It’s true. I think for me, where I have struggled is if let’s say there’s something going on, I don’t know, at work for Tony, or he’s he just hasn’t been feeling well, and it’s been a few days, I’m fine in the beginning of it, right? I’m like, okay, I’m good. I got 80, I got 70, I got 100, whatever it is, I’m fine. But after a few days, I start to get tired and I’m thinking, okay, it’s time for you to step up. Okay, I need to, we need to transfer some load here. And if if I communicate that, we find a way to make it work. But if I don’t, at some point, I say some rude thing to him and probably hurt his feelings and hurt my own feelings and cry about how mean I’ve been just because we didn’t communicate about it, you know. Um, so I think there’s, I mean, I think there’s really something there to call it out. I even if it’s if it just seems like same old, same old, I think still to call that out is really a helpful thing. And when we get it wrong or or even when we get it right, to me, I think the biggest tool that we have, and maybe you I think you’ll agree with me on this, Tony. I think the biggest thing that we have as a tool to stay close is prayer. Absolutely. Um we pray together a lot. Um it I used to have about a two-hour commute to work, and there were days I was exhausted. It was a lot of driving. I was working a short day, might have been 10 hours, 12, 14 hour days, and then with the the two-hour bookends on the end, I mean I was I had some really long days. I was exhausted and and unhappy. I wasn’t super happy in the work either. And there were days that we would pray for an hour of that drive. We would just be on the phone together and just, you know, just praying out loud. Um, you know, and and sometimes it we’ve prayed at the right now we’re sitting at our dining room table and we pray at this table a lot. We pray um at night. I’ll put my head on his chest and we pray together that way. We pray in the call, we pray all the time. I pray all the time with or without him, and and I think he does too. It’s to me that’s just the the biggest tool that we have for finding peace and and staying connected and keeping ourselves grounded. But it means everything. If I’m if I’m telling what, if I’m keeping it real here, the only time when we were dating that I actually thought about breaking up with Tony was around prayer. I wanted to pray, and for whatever reason he wasn’t, you know, wasn’t feeling it. I wanted to pray together, and I think it was probably a little awkward for him and whatever, and I got a little self-righteous and rude, and um, and I got over it. Um, and he came around actually, um, and it really has changed everything for us. But we pray all the time.

Tony: 36:28
I mean, it so when you pray with your spouse, when you first start doing it, it’s gonna feel awkward. Okay, and I’m just gonna call it like I see it. It’s it’s gonna feel awkward, it’s not gonna feel natural, you’re gonna feel kind of dumb, whatever, you know, whatever it is. Well, okay, so I’ll speak for more for myself when I say that. I think I think you know, there’s that there’s that awkwardness, like at least that I felt that in the in the beginning. But what uh what I can say is like the more the more that you do it and the more that you lean into it, it it actually like when we go uh a few days without praying together, I I feel like something’s missing. And I and I I’ll go to Kristy and like Kristy, like something’s like just off. Like what like do you feel something like I’m I’m you know, because I want to check with her, like like is it is it just me? Is it you know, like and and it’s and it’s because we haven’t, you know, been intentional for two, three days, whatever it is, that of just praying together, you know, and and again, like when when you’re praying together, it doesn’t mean that it has to be for an hour. We had an hour because Kristy had a two-hour drive, and so we just we had the time, but praying together could be two minutes, praying together could be five minutes before you go to sleep, you know. It it doesn’t have to be a long drawn-out process, but but I but I think one of the big things with prayer is that once you kind of get past the awkwardness, and maybe it’s just me that was awkward, but once you get past the awkwardness, what happens is you start to hear the heart of the person that is praying. And then and and what’s awesome for me is now I’m hearing the things that are that are worrying Kristy. I’m hearing the things that are heavy on her heart. Um I’m hearing the things that that she’s hoping for, the things that that she wants to see happen, the things that you know that she’s asking God for. And and now I have a way as a husband to pray those things on behalf of my wife later on when I’m not with her. So I I hear those things when we pray together, and then when we’re not together, and I want to pray, stop and pray for my wife for any reason, I can remember those things and say, okay, God, remember, she’s looking for this, or she’s really worried about this, or you know, whatever the case may be. I’m I’m able to pray and and and be in a in a place where I’m truly covering her in a pr in a way that she wants me to pray. And and I think those are the things that that we need not neglect as as a married couple because no one else is gonna hear those prayers. No one else is going to hear those those uh deep hurts or those, you know, those deep longings uh you know that that you have. And so, you know, I I think it’s a really intimate way of being able to just love and care for your spouse.

Kristy: 39:54
Yeah, I think the same thing. Um and I think also there are sometimes we go to God with it’s usually the burdens, right? It’s usually not the praises, it’s the burdens that somehow they don’t come up in everyday conversation. Like sometimes we feel some deep stuff and it just isn’t something that you talk about. It isn’t it doesn’t come up over dinner, it doesn’t come up while you’re watching reruns of How I Met Your Mother or what I mean, it just doesn’t happen. And so um it’s it’s through prayer that sometimes I can can learn about those things that really hurt my husband’s heart or things that he’s wrestling with or struggling with. And and he’s right, I can keep praying about those, but I can also be mindful and supportive, and it just it maybe changes the way that we interact around some things. Um, maybe I can encourage him or or support him better in those areas. I think it’s I just it’s kind of like a no-lose, right?

Tony: 40:59
And so, you know, for us, uh hopefully this entire uh episode has been helpful for you. Hopefully uh there there are things that that you can relate to. And I hope number one, that that that you know that you’re not alone. You’re not alone in in these things that you’re struggling with. Maybe maybe you’re longing to pray with your spouse, and that’s just not happening yet. Keep praying, keep praying on your own, keep praying for that open heart to where you know you can, you know, pray with with your spouse. And sometimes maybe it just starts with you’re both laying there in bed and you just pray out loud. And and maybe maybe you pray and maybe you say amen and they they say nothing, but if you do that every day, I bet you at some point they join you in and and they they join in that time. And so, you know, it hopefully, you know, again, you know that you’re not alone, and just you know, when you’re talking with each other, just be honest about where you’re at. You know, we Kristy and I we we talk, and one of the things, especially if it’s been a day where like we haven’t talked all day, you know, and and Kristy and I usually talk four or five times a day, you know, like we’re it’s a it’s a constant stream that we’re just talking all day long.

Kristy: 42:25
Yeah, with texts or whatever. But it’s also weird because we don’t always come home to the same place. So we miss that talking while we make dinner, talking over dinner, or the chatting right before you go to sleep that that other couples have. And so we’ve had to kind of make ways to stay connected throughout the day, and a lot of times it is with texts or just verses or stupid memes from the internet.

Tony: 42:50
And so, you know, just just having that that kind of touch point, whether it’s in the beginning of the day or towards the end of the day, and just be honest with where you’re at, because I think those those check-ins allow you to kind of cut things off at the pass. So if if things are bad or if there’s some sort of small hurt, like Kristy was saying, you can pull the splinter out right now instead of letting it fester for days and days and days, and then you got a real problem. So, you know, it’s those check-ins, and again, we we keep saying it, but it comes back to just that communication. And so, and keep just just keep showing up for each other. I mean, it’s important to just keep showing up for each other because this is your person, this is the one that you said, I want to be with this person for the rest of my life. So keep showing up for that person. And I would say, you know, I mean, for husbands and dads, you know, part of that is, you know, making sure that when you come home at the end of the day, that that you’re that your wife and your family are not. Getting your leftovers. I know that’s easier said than done. I get it. I really do. But sometimes that means figuring out a way to like give yourself a little bit of energy, like before you walk through that front door. You know, uh figure, you know, maybe instead of watching the ball game tonight, maybe it’s you’re gonna watch the highlights tomorrow morning because you need your wife or your family needs you, they need your time, they need you. And so, yeah, I I love sports, I love to watch sports. I Kristy is very gracious with that, but but at the same time, I know there are days where it’s like, okay, Tony, turn it off. And and because I know that Kristy needs me for whatever reason. So it’s important.

Kristy: 44:47
I think uh for wives or moms, I guess my best advice to you would be to think about your love languages, think about his love languages. And if you’ve taken the quiz, then you know what I’m talking about. But if you haven’t, you still know. You know the little things that matter to your spouse. You know the ways that you communicate that are just, you know, just a little extra special something. Um maybe it’s that you make his favorite dinner, you fry the chicken and you clean up the grease that night because it matters to him, because it’s it’s special, because it makes him feel seen and just loved. Or maybe it’s that you sit beside him on the couch while he’s gonna watch Sports Center, or you hold his hand in the car. Um for me, I leave sticky notes on the mirror, uh, you know, whatever little thing it is, just to let him know that that he’s still your guy and you love him. Tell him, if it’s been a minute since you’ve said it out loud, tell him you love him. Tell him you still think he’s hot. Um, you know, tell him that you appreciate him, that you’re proud of him. Thank him for what he does for your family. I mean, all of these things are just human needs, right? And it’s just, it’s sort of it’s heartbreaking how easy it is to do things for perfect strangers that we don’t think to come home and do for our spouses. And so just just take care of him, take care of your guy because because he’s taking care of you too.

Tony: 46:10
Yeah, I I I would I I mean, I would say amen to all of that, and and I would say, I mean, just as a as a nugget that maybe he won’t tell you. Um, but ladies, like tell your husbands that that you admire him. Um, and to echo what Kristy said, tell tell him that you are proud of him. Um because those two phrases I can tell you from from personal experience, and Kristy does does this very well. Um, but those two phrases mean the world to m I won’t say all men, but I’ll say most men. They mean the world to us. When you tell us you’re proud of us, and you tell us that you admire us, that you respect us, those those phrases mean a lot.

Kristy: 47:00
I guess at the end of the day, God’s not done writing your story. Um whatever, whatever your situation is today, I I hope and pray that it only gets better. And if if you’re not in a great place today with your spouse, I pray that it’s temporary. And if it’s been a tough season and and you’re worried, it’s not over till it’s over. You know, it’s worth it. It is worth the effort. No matter how hard it’s been or or how deep the valleys that we’ve been in, or um, you know, sometimes it’s it’s one has to go in the in the valley, the other needs to hold that person’s hand and go there too. Um, you know, we do everything together. We’re a team. And I think if you also see your your spouse as a teammate and you you put in the effort, you’ve at least got a chance. Um, I I pray for every one of you that is listening that your marriage is beautiful. I I wish that for all of us. Um, but God’s not done. So if you’re not happy where you are, change it. You can.

Tony: 48:07
Yeah, I hope uh again, I do hope that that this uh has been helpful. Please reach out to us. Uh in the episode description, uh, there’s a link that you can click that you can just send us a quick little message. Um please reach out to us. Let us let us know what we can pray for. Let us know. Um, you know, if if you have questions uh that we didn’t talk about in today’s episode that you would like us to talk about, let us know. Um, you know, if there if there are stories that you you know want to share, and you know, you know, we’ll we’ll take a look at those and and obviously anonymously we’ll do it, but you know, we may share some of those, you know, in future episodes and be able to you know talk through those things and and maybe answer some of those questions. So uh but please send us those prayer requests and those questions and those things. Uh we’d love to hear from you guys, and we we absolutely want to stay connected with you guys uh in this journey. So Kristy, would you uh would you mind praying for us?

Kristy: 49:03
And happy to do it. Hey God, it’s us. Uh it’s Tony and Kristy and our new friends, and we come before you grateful for the time that we’ve spent together, and um just just really beseeching you to to be with each person um that is part of a couple and and each couple as you know as they are together, and just just bless that, bless their union, um help them to love each other and and to support each other and to just behave in ways that honor you and um and just provide strength to that relationship. Um be with them, send your spirit, and um we look forward to talking with you again later on tonight. Thank you, God. We love you, amen.

Tony: 49:51
Amen. Guys, I hope you guys have had have a great day today, and uh have a great week, and we’ll talk to you next week.