Episode 5: Marriage and Disability

Kristy: 00:07
Welcome to Unshaken, the podcast where unwavering faith meets real life. I’m Kristy, and together with my husband Tony, we dive into authentic conversations, offering biblical insights and sharing stories that inspire resilience, especially for families navigating the unique challenges of disabilities. Join us each week as we explore faith, family, and the journeys that keep us grounded in Christ. Don’t forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode. Let’s stand firm together. Hi friends,

Kristy: 00:40
welcome back to Unshaken. Today, Tony and I would like to talk about caregiver support. We want to talk about preventing or alleviating caregiver burnout in marriage, where one partner has a disability and the other is in a support role for that person. I think the first piece, the most pressing piece, is to find the pain points. Where do things feel rough? I know in my own experience, and Tony, you can you can confirm or deny the things that at face value seem like they would be the pain points are not always those pain points. That’s very true.

Tony: 01:23
That’s very, very true.

Kristy: 01:25
I know different example, but when my kids were growing up, I would do anything for them. I would step in front of a train for them, but I did not want to cut up their meat on the plane. Like it just, you know, there’s there’s things in life in any situation, I guess. So um so for us, identifying those pain points, uh, it starts with communication. I think that’s a theme that probably will come up over and over as we discuss this issue because communicating is how you prevent just resentment and bad feelings on both sides, on either side or both sides. Um I think the maybe the the place to start in trying to figure out those pain points is really how much support does the caregiver perceive that she or he is providing? Is this a situation where it’s all of the physical care happens in a facilitated way or is it just occasional? Um, I know Tony and I have been asked to kind of to speak about this before or share our experience. And I kind of felt a little bit like an imposter in moments because it’s really not a huge issue with us. Um Tony’s uh, you know, I guess I would say we both have disabilities. Tony’s is visible and and probably a little more prohibitive, I think, than you know, some of the other stuff. But um until we were married, it it just was a non-issue. I didn’t, I mean, at some point you don’t even realize that Tony walks with a crutch. It’s just how he gets around. It’s only when you get a closer look and kind of you know see some of those inner workings that you realize there’s you know, there’s more than meets the eye going on there.

Tony: 03:18
And that’s part of, you know, and that’s part of one of my goals in this is to, you know, when I walk out my front door, you know, my goal is is to, you know, kind of minimize my physical disability for the outside world as much as possible so that all of the interactions that I have with everyone is it’s more about me as a person versus the guy with the that’s walking around with a crutch. You know, I don’t want the I don’t want to be defined by my disability. I want the disability is certainly a part of me, but it is it’s not what defines me. It’s not my identity, my you know, I I am Tony with cerebral palsy. It’s not cerebral palsy is Tony. So, you know, there there’s a I I work very hard in the mornings, especially to make sure that that when I walk out my front door, that I’m able to greet the world and interact with the world in as best shape as as possible, but in that space between let’s say the bedroom and the front door, there’s a lot that goes into that so that I am ready to meet the world and interact with the world and and and do the things that I need to do on a daily basis.

Kristy: 04:56
I think um that’s there’s so much there to unpack, uh, whether it’s so there’s the whole like getting up, getting shower, getting dressed, like there’s that whole piece. But even some of the silly things. So there are if Tony’s gonna work upstairs, there’s a uh at our church, there’s some volunteering that happens, and if he’s gonna work upstairs, he takes with him water for the day, snacks, lunch, whatever for the day, because it’s gonna be problematic for him to keep going up and down the stairs, but he doesn’t want to ask anybody else to do it either. So if Tony forgets to do that, if he forgets water, forgets whatever, he’s gotta ask somebody else to make multiple trips, you know, up and down. And that doesn’t feel good. Um although there are people surrounding us that would they would just be thrilled to help. They would be so happy if we just would ask for any little thing like that. They’d be so pleased to do it. But who wants to ask? You know, who wants to ask for that kind of stuff? So really it is a thoughtful process. It’s beyond just making sure that your, you know, that your physical needs are met. It’s it’s planning for the day and thinking about when you leave in an Uber or, you know, whatever the case may be, a friend is picking you up or whatever, you know, when I’m not around to to drive, how are you gonna get home? And so where will you work? Are you gonna stay at the church? Are you gonna stay at the office and just work there for the afternoon because there’s a meeting that evening and you don’t wanna, you know, have somebody bring you home to turn around and take you back again, like things like that. It makes for some long days for you.

Tony: 06:44
Right. And and there’s and all of that has to be has to be thought out and and and sort of planned for because you know, most people take that for granted. Like when it’s when it’s lunchtime, you you hop in your car and you know, you go through the drive-through, or or you know, you meet a friend for lunch, and you know, you guys have lunch and you have that lunch hour, so you know, you have lunch and then you hop in your car again and you go back to the office or whatever it is. But for me, that’s not such a simple process. And it goes beyond just the fact that I don’t drive. It’s there’s there’s the time factor of waiting for the Uber, you know, having the lunch and then waiting for the Uber again to go back. So there’s a financial cost to that, there’s a time cost to that, there’s you know, because those things are you know unpredictable. You know, you don’t know how long it’s gonna take for an Uber to get to you. So if you go long on lunch, but you only got an hour, what what happens, you know, and so you know, you can’t just say, oh well, you know, I’m late coming back for lunch because my Uber was late. Well, that doesn’t work for everyone. So, you know, th those things um definitely have to have to be planned for. And there are many days where where I know that um I’m going to be gone 10, 12, maybe more hours from home because I know that there are multiple things going on, and it’s just easier for me to plan for that long day where I do bring what you know, multiple water bottles and you know, uncrustables or whatever it is to be able to like eat in those down times so that I can stay for those 10, 12 hour days, what whatever it is, and just make that process just easier.

Kristy: 08:52
And bring your laptop and make sure you have the clothes that you’re gonna need for that evening, you know, all that kind of stuff. Um, and I think that’s it’s probably a thing, one poor person or the other in any marriage where there’s disability is gonna be making those accommodations, getting that, you know, making sure that everything is set up. And everybody’s situation is different, right? Everybody’s not gonna stay out and have a 12-hour workday because of a transportation, but in the absence of that, there’s gonna be some other situation. Do we have all of this stuff for my partner’s oxygen that they need to, you know, to be okay? Do we have the inhaler? Do we have, you know, whatever it is, the epi pen? Do we have all of those things? Or, you know, is this broken? Is this clean? Is this, you know, all of those questions have to be answered? And so I think that identifying those pain points and and maybe finding a workaround for that is I think that’s instrumental. But I also think that in a situation like ours, for me, I didn’t know, I had no idea the struggle that you faced before we had, you know, a closer relationship. When we were friends, I was just like, whatever, dude shows up. Like, you know, it was no big deal. And um, you know, it comes with that familiarity that that you’re gonna have in a marriage relationship where those things happen. And I I wish that I, even now, even years into this thing, I I wish I knew more how to help with that kind of stuff. Um, I try to, you know, uh to make sure this is clean or you want this shirt for this day or whatever, but that’s just wife stuff. That’s not caregiver stuff. I I know that there’s an extra load on you, and a lot of times I feel like there’s not a whole lot that I can do to support you.

Tony: 10:51
Well, and and part of this too is like, you know, it’s it’s thinking through all the logistics that so many people take for granted. I mean, you mentioned things like like oxygen and and things like that, but some of the things that come to mind for me are like power source, you know, because maybe there’s a maybe there’s a wheelchair that’s involved, that you know, there’s a power wheelchair that’s that’s involved, or or you know, in in thinking about like like an oxygen machine, you need a power source in order to operate that oxygen oxygen machine, you know, uh and and even more basic than that, like is the building or the or the area or the space that you’re going to be going to, is it accessible? Right. Because there are a lot of buildings that have been around for a long time that if they were built before the ADA and before all of those accessibility laws and regulations and building codes were established, all of those older buildings were grandfathered to where they got exceptions and they didn’t have to meet the newer codes because it was it would have been prohibitively more expensive to like retrofit right an elevator or something like that. So thinking through those things.

Kristy: 12:24
Well, yeah, and if it’s not gonna work out, you have to know like what’s your plan? How are you gonna get in? How are you, uh 120-pound woman, going to get your 190-pound husband in his manual wheelchair into this building? Like you’ve got to figure those things out and and make it happen. Uh, you’ve got to be able to execute the plan that you put together. So I think uh when I look at a disability and I look at pain points and and um you know how all that kind of stuff plays out, the thing that comes up is sort of like is burdenship a word? Like the what is the how heavy is that? Is it a burden? Does it does it feel like, you know, just a way that I can support my partner? Does it feel like I’m being crushed under the weight of this responsibility that this other person’s potentially this other person’s life is depending on me getting these things done? And what if I mess up? What if I’m tired? What if I do this hour after hour, day after day for years, and I’m just feeling crushed under the weight of this responsibility? And you know, maybe my partner that used to be super fun is not so super fun. You know, maybe there’s um maybe the disability interferes, maybe you’ve got a mental health situation, somebody is um angry, bitter, that that happens when, especially with the onset of a disability later in life, or you know, just kind of as life stages change and you kind of see things that you’re missing. So I think it’s important to to look at like are these are these responsibilities a burden? Are they always a burden? Sometimes, seldom? You know, it’s like a one of those questionnaires, right?

Tony: 14:17
Right. And and you know, I th I think you you hit something on the head too, is it’s because there’s a there’s a very big difference between a disability that someone was born with, and so like when you get into a relationship, you know, with this person, they they were already disabled when you got into that relationship. So so you know, even if you don’t know the full impact, you still have you know at least somewhat of an idea that okay, they are disabled. You know, like there’s something going on. So it’s not a smack-in-the-mouth surprise. Right. And so that there’s you know that they’re that they’re disabled versus you know, you guys maybe were very active, maybe like you know, you both were hikers, or you know, you both were very athletic, you know, or so you’re both runners, maybe you you know met at a marathon or something like that, and then something happens, you know, whether it be an accident or a sickness or whatever that causes one of you to now be disabled, you know, that’s a very different situation at that point. Because that’s that’s not, you know, I know that we say, you know, for better or for worse, you know, that’s it’s a great vow, but but it’s also not what you it’s not what you expected. And so it’s it’s a very different situation um when that happens. Um and also there’s a there’s a burden of what happens if if you’re the caregiver, what happens if you get sick over a long period of time and you are doing a lot of of the caregiving because your spouse needs a lot of support, you know? And so what happens if you if you get sick with the flu and like you’re sick in bed for two, three, four days? Like what what happens in that situation?

Kristy: 16:24
Right, right. Um, you know, and I think there’s there’s a lot of times there’s medical intervention. I think it depends too, is this a disability, is this a diagnosis, is this a terminal illness that came out of nowhere? Is this you know a long, debilitating process? Is this you know, is this uh, I don’t know, uh Lou Gehrig’s or an MS where you’re gonna have a decline over time and um and both partners really kind of have to experience that together and and make peace with it as they go and um communicate, negotiate, like all of that stuff has to happen. Um it’s a lot, it can be a lot.

Tony: 17:08
And it speaks to it speaks to the emotional side of it because there’s an acceptance that has to happen on on both sides. You know, so if this so let’s let’s break this into two parts. So if this is a disability where where the person was born with the disability, hopefully by the time they get to a point where where they’re getting married, hopefully they’ve accepted the disability and accepted like it’s part of their life, and they’ve they’ve made adjustments, they’ve they’ve adapted to things, and so they know what they need, you know, and they’re and and like we like we’ve said probably a hundred times between all the episodes that we’ve done, like they can communicate, hey, this is what I need you to do in this situation, that situation. And Kristy, you you know that we’ve had many of those conversations where where we’ve talked through, you know, in this situation I need you to do this, in this situation, I need you to do this, you know. But then also if it if it is a situation where someone becomes disabled after the fact, you know, so after you know the the marriage or whatever, you know, now it’s a process where you both have to go through that, you know. I I I think it’s healthy to go through a grieving process because you’ve lost you’ve now lost the life that you that you once had. And you’re still living, and there’s still a lot of life, and there’s still I I want to be so clear that God still has a purpose for your life that that hasn’t changed, that hasn’t gone away because a disability has happened. So I want to be very, very clear with that, you know. But the life that you’ve had is not going to be the same, and it is okay, and I think it’s healthy to go through a grieving process to where you can know and realize and understand, okay, this is gonna look look different going forward. And if you don’t have that, it there can be resentment that comes up over and over and over again because that acceptance hasn’t happened.

Kristy: 19:30
I think there’s I think everything you said is good, but I also would add that this can happen even in a situation where the disability existed before. Because I think when our life circumstances change, sometimes situations come up that we didn’t necessarily consider or that we thought we knew how we would feel, but then we don’t. Um maybe you’ve got an illness or a disability that’s gonna prevent kids, and you thought you were fine with that until now you’re married, and this brings an issue that you just you didn’t realize you were gonna have to grieve it. You didn’t know that it would matter. Um, and I think there’s any number of ways that that could come up in situations and whatever, but um I think there’s sometimes there’s processing to do, grieving, processing to do, really no matter, you know, no matter when and and how you come to the issue.

Tony: 20:27
Yeah, there’s there’s definitely, you know, and and I I love what you you brought up with, you know, especially with having kids, because sometimes you can start in a place where where you’re okay with, you know, maybe not having kids, but then like when you start seeing your friends have to have having kids, and you start seeing your friends go through all of those different seasons, all those different, you know, life stages, it can it can change. You know, that you know, Kristy, you you and I both know people that, you know, for the longest time said, Oh yeah, I don’t want kids, I don’t and then all of a sudden, yeah, I I actually do want kids. And you know, so it it it can change, and and if that’s not if that’s not a possibility, you know, then like I I fully agree with you. There’s there’s gotta be that grieving process and maybe, you know, m maybe it’s a conversation about is there is there an alternate way to to still get this done. Yeah. You know, and so like again, it’s a communication piece of of how do we talk through that and and potentially talk through something that that could be, you know, very emotionally like like hurtful because there might not be a way to to to get that done. You know, so so then like and and you may not be in a in a in a place. Or in a position to say adopt or or any you know anything like that. So I mean it it can be it can be very emotional at one.

Kristy: 22:10
And that can be on either side of the relationship. Um it because if if you married young, whatever the case is, you marry whatever, you don’t have kids, either party could be you know surprised and and have a struggle with that. But not even just that, right? It could be maybe the person who gets the diagnosis, gets the disability, whatever, whatever the situation can make peace. But the other person, you know, they had a life plan too. They they thought that things were gonna go this way. They had these goals, the they had these hopes and dreams, and and that’s diverted. Like that’s now very different. And it’s that piece of it is the same loss on either side. And so I think you know, I just think it’s really important to to make sure that both parties are gonna be okay with that and to talk about it and to keep talking about it. Even when you’re sick of talking about it, you know, keep talking because there’s there’s there’s

Kristy: 23:16
more.

Tony: 23:17
Yeah, there there’s always going to be more layers to it. And and sometimes, you know, when you even when you think that you’ve dealt with something and you think that both of you are are okay, there could be something that triggers that emotion all over again. You know, and and you don’t even realize it until it just smacks you in smacks you in the mouth, and then it’s like, oh, oh, that’s the hearts. So, you know, it’s you know, I know I know that like like Kristy said, we’ve been we’ve been honored to you know to speak with you know various couples, and uh, you know, that there’s one couple that that always comes to mind, and I I think of this couple all all the time, and Kristy, I’m sure you do too, but you know, where you know the husband had the disability, and um and he was just having a hard time accepting it, and you know, just doing everything that he could to sort of hide it, but even in that process, there there are still things that have to happen where you have no choice but to but to get help or ask for help or or whatever the case may be. And if and if you’ve not gone through the process of accepting help, and and trust me when I say I need to back up for a second because I hate asking for help. Kristy knows I’m stubborn, I I am s as stubborn as a day is long, and I hate asking for help. But at the same time, I’m also realistic with the things that I know that I can’t do for whatever reason, or that it would be dangerous for me to do. You know, it’s not that I can’t necessarily do it, but it would be dangerous for me to to do them. And in those situations, the right thing to do is to ask for help and to get help. And I’ve I’ve made peace with that, I’ve accepted that and and I’m okay with that. But if you’re if you haven’t gotten to that place, then like that has to be step one because if not when the people that love you are trying to help you in those dangerous situations because they love you so much and they don’t want to see you hurt or worse, like it it then puts both of you in in a dangerous situation potentially. So, you know, I I think if if you’re struggling with that acceptance, if you’re the one with the disability or the diagnosis, if you’re struggling with that acceptance, like that has to be number one. And whether that means, you know, talking with a pastor, talking with with a with a therapist, you know, whatever the case may be, like that has to be step one because we’ve got to get to a place where where we understand that asking for help is not weakness.

Kristy: 26:31
Accurate. And I think so. Sometimes it’s not the disability itself that can bring discord in a in a marriage like that. It’s the it’s the emotional piece, right? It’s one person doesn’t mind helping the other, would love to support the other. It’s fighting with the stubbornness, and and then there comes a, you know, if you would have just let me help you, it wouldn’t have been so hard, we wouldn’t be, you know. It it just can really breed bad feelings, resentment, bickering, like all those things that are just not healthy.

Tony: 27:09
And it snowballs, and then and then you’ve got a, you know, we we talked about it before where like and when you have a splinter, if you pull it out right away, it doesn’t really hurt all that much. But if you let it sit in there and fester, then you then you have a real problem. And you know, so like you want to stop that cycle as quickly as you can so that it doesn’t turn into a big blow-up fight when it really wasn’t that big of a deal to begin with. All Kristy wanted to do was carry my Bible into church, and I was stubborn and didn’t want her to carry my Bible, and now I fell on the ground, and you know, because I didn’t because I didn’t have my hands free, you know, I really hurt myself, you know. So there there’s so many things and that has not come up. I’m making that up because No, it wasn’t a Bible. Yeah. But no, it it’s it’s just one of those things where like, you know, if I’m stubborn, then I’ve made things ten times harder than what it should have been, and and many times ten times longer than what it should have been had I just let Kristy help me. And and so, you know, it’s it’s one of those things where where but because I didn’t accept it, that breeded the the problem, and then it then it just got worse because I was stupid, and you know, that’s that’s not where you want to be.

Kristy: 28:52
And I think that that sort of you might say stubbornness, but that sort of unwillingness to to ask for help or to get support, sometimes it really does just come from this just is a terrible situation and it’s really unfair, and I’m having a hard time making peace with that. Um so I think it just can be a just a symptom of a kind of a deeper problem. So what can we do? So we’ve got a a caregiver, we’ve got a person with a disability or an illness. Um how do we lighten the load? So I think in our in our travels, we probably have I mean, we probably have come closer with people with disabilities than maybe a lot of, you know, just because of the circles that we travel in. Um and we’ve seen situations like ours where, I mean, I I feel like Tony’s disability really impacts me very minimally. I don’t I don’t feel particularly like a caregiver. There are some things that I do to support him, and there are some things that he does to support me. Um, you know, and maybe they’re not the typical things that husbands or wives would do, but it’s just not a big deal. It’s not a burden, it’s it’s just how we live, it’s just what we do. And I think a lot of that comes because we’ve talked about it so much and we’ve really negotiated, you know, under these circumstances, this is when I need you to help me, or or in this situation. Um, but sometimes there isn’t a situation where one person doesn’t have to support the other, and it might be some silly, you know, small thing that doesn’t feel so bad, or it might be a silly small thing that is just the most annoying thing in the world, you know, and you have to do it every day. But it also might be really big things. One partner might be responsible for the other person staying alive. I mean, it could be that dire of a situation, and that’s a really heavy thing to carry. Um, and so I I think we should look at and talk about, explore some ways to sort of alleviate that just that heaviness.

Tony: 31:17
Um I think I think you know, one of the ways that that we do that is is is you know the fancy way of saying that is like respite care, you know, but you know, and all that to all that really means is like, you know, who else is around you that can help, you know, provide some support, you know, so that you can, if you’re the caregiver, you can kind of kind of tap out for a little bit, you know, whether whether that be an hour or you know, half a day or or something just to just so that you can refill your own bucket, you know, or or get a nap.

Kristy: 31:57
I mean, it’s I mean, can you get a weekend away with the guys? Can you know, can you get a girls’ weekend? People need downtime.

Tony: 32:05
Yeah, I mean, you know, downtime is is a is a huge thing, but but you you have to have the the support mechanism around you to to be able to do that, especially, you know, as as Kristy was saying, you know, when when the situation is is if that person doesn’t get the care they could potentially die, then like you’ve gotta make sure that the systems and the network is there to support that and and be able to do that. Because because if you’re not sure that the network is there, then even if you’re a hundred miles away, you’re not gonna get the rest that that you’re expecting because you’re so worried about what’s going on. You know, so so it’s it’s making sure that that you have the right people around you to provide the the respite and provide the the support that both of you need.

Kristy: 33:05
Um yes, um respite care for sure, and I would have thought, you know, even five years ago, I would have thought that people who had these situations, disability or illness would know, like, oh, you know, such and such in my community, in my my city, my county, whatever, this is available, these resources are available, this organization helps. But what we’ve found the more that we have kind of poked around and looked for these sorts of resources is that people don’t always know what’s immediately available. Um, Tony and I talk all the time about wishing there was sort of a hub for this kind of information. Um, you know, with kiddos with disabilities or or adults, it it doesn’t matter. Just where is one place where all the information is? And we haven’t found it yet. Uh there are our groups, there’s a beautiful group in our community um led by a friend of ours who she tries to sort of assimilate as much as she can and kind of disseminate information in as bulk a way as she can to the families that are involved. And God bless her, the woman is an angel. But um, but even then, you know, she she doesn’t have all the magic either. And so I think making yourself aware of the resources that are available to you, what your insurance will and will not cover, um, how things can be coded and get coverage, those nuances are really important. It’s very important to know you know the resources that are available to you. And maybe start with your doctor, call your insurance company. A lot of insurance companies now offer those sorts of supports to caregivers. There’s um add-on plans that employers can, and a lot of them do. They’re very inexpensive for the employer to add on for those sorts of mental and emotional support programs. Um look at what you have, look at the resources that you have available, talk to friends, you know, um, go to the internet and just search the basic things that, you know, whatever your your situation is, the disability, the diagnosis, and just see, because you might be surprised by the respite care resources that are available or at least the support services. Um, which brings us to another interesting thing, which is that it’s not always care of the the partner. Maybe it’s support with getting your house clean. Maybe it’s maybe another burden can be alleviated so that you can focus on you know on the caregiving. Because I mean, if I were a betting person, I would bet, I would bet heavily that it’s not just the the weight of the disability, it’s the weight of the disability in addition to all the other life responsibilities. Maybe there’s work outside the home and other people in the family that have to be fed and laundry that has to be cleaned and floors that still have to be washed, even if you’ve got this this other stuff to take care of. Um and so if you can’t address one set of needs, address another set. You know, if you’re if your resources can stand it, just order a pizza. Don’t cook dinner when you’re when you’re feeling, you know, up against the wall. Um maybe you can order your groceries. Um we, I mean, that’s something that my family does. We’re um, you know, we’re we’re big users of that kind of thing just because it saves so much time. And it used to be that it was expensive and we kind of hemmed and hawed about it, but anymore. You can order on Amazon, you can order Walmart Plus. Like there’s just so many ways where there’s just not a lot of additional cost. So simplify in other areas where you can. And I think we’re preaching to the choir here, I’m sure.

Tony: 37:17
And there’s there’s there’s so many different ways now. I mean, you know, uh five years ago, like I would have killed for a service like an Uber or Lyft or something like that that you know provided transportation that was you know that was easier than uh you know, a taxi service just because you know, so I mean when you called for a taxi, you had no idea when that taxi was showing up. You just had to kind of watch from your window and just watch for that yellow car in most cases to to show up. But then, you know, with the advent of Lyft and Uber, you know, now you can watch from your phone and know exactly when that when that car is gonna pull up, and you know, that’s helpful. But you know, and a lot of different organizations, and and Kristy mentioned one, but a lot of different organizations are in the process of trying to create that sort of directory or hub, you know, of those services, and and you know, I’m part of a I’m part of a think group that um is slowly putting together resources on online and on a website um so that so that we can disseminate that information one easier, but then also easily be able to add to it as more resources are found. Because so many of these things you find out word of mouth of, you know, hey, I’m looking for this. Oh yeah, you know, so and so is doing that, or or here, call this number, talk to this person, and and like so bits and pieces you learn just by word of mouth. And so we’re we’re trying to create that sort of searchable resource online so that people um you know, here locally in in Melbourne and hopefully beyond, once we show that this is helpful, um will have a resource, you know, that that they can go to to search for, you know, th those kind of things.

Kristy: 39:28
and that’s huge because um we just over and over we see that when a family has a disability situation, people it’s it’s all you can do to just get through, right? People aren’t always as adept or don’t have the time or the energy to get out and connect. Um, which is, I mean, if you can get out and connect, that’s fantastic. Um, you know, but if you can’t, you’re not gonna get that word of mouth. So um this sort of repository, I think, is a really good step. Um, you know, communication, make sure that you stay in touch with your partner. And I mean, that sounds silly when we’re talking about a caregiving situation, but really stay in touch. Stay in touch with your mental health. Um, are you doing okay? Am I doing okay? You know, talk through that stuff. You know, certainly your physical health, both people, um, in addition to whatever else is going on. Illness can exacerbate a difficult situation, um, can create an absolute need for respite care. Uh, you know, if if the caregiver is the one who gets sick, stay on top of your spiritual health, you know, pray, pray together, pray apart, pray all the time. Um, I think when life feels heavy, for me anyway, that’s the that’s the quickest way to get some support, to get some help is just to pray about it, get it off your chest, tell it to somebody who loves you and and wants to be there and wants to help you carry that burden. Just just pray about it.

Tony: 41:15
Yeah,

Tony: 41:15
looking for you know ways to to stay connected. So, you know, Kristy talked about communication, and you know, obviously the those check-ins are important, but also staying connected on on an emotional level, on an intimate level. So, you know, that could look like just going on dates, and that doesn’t mean like going out and and spending $100 or $150 on like a fancy dinner. That could be, you know, that could be a movie date, you know, in your bedroom, just with some popcorn and and you know, just you know, sharing a movie together, you know, where you know, you’re laughing together, you’re you know, it it’s just that shared space to where you can just kind of shut everything else out and just be with each other, you know, understanding that you know those kind of those kind of things are are still important that you just connect with each other and and making sure, you know, that you do that and expressing gratitude, expressing, you know, uh, you know, telling, you know, your your spouse, hey, you’re beautiful, hey, you’re handsome, you’re you know, I saying I love you, you know, as as silly as that may sound, but just saying the words I love you, and you know, looking at them and saying I love you, and saying, you know, I’m I’m so proud of you. I’m you know, I’m thankful for you, you know, and I I mean Kristy earlier today, you know, cooked some dinner and and she might have thought that it was a simple thing, but but still I just said thank you so much, you know, for for dinner tonight and and just expressing that gratitude and just knowing that again this is your person. You know, and and you’re in this together, you’re not in this against each other. And so just really making that connection and making that connection important enough to fight for.

Kristy: 43:26
Um at the beginning of this, Tony talked about how his disability describes him, but it doesn’t define him. It is not his identity. And when disability or illness is the elephant in the room, sometimes I think it’s really important to just say out loud, just reassert that you’re more to me than this problem. I know this takes up our time, I know that it takes up our resources, I know that it makes me cross as a wet cat. I see you. You’re still my guy. You’re still my girl. You’re still my true love. You know? It’s more than that.

Tony: 44:11
And there’s there’s so much. I mean, look for supports. Look for, you know, a group that you can lean on. I was at a men’s conference uh last week, and one of the things that that we talked about was um finding you know somebody that can be a lightning rod. And what we mean by that is just finding someone that that can listen to you when you’re like emotional and you need to vent, but knowing that that person is going to take everything that you say and it’s gonna stop with them, they’re going to ground it to where it doesn’t go beyond them. You know, so so you know, it’s not like they’re not going to gossip about it, they’re not gonna tell other others about it, you know, it you’re just able to to vent to them and and and this person can’t be your spouse. This, you know, so for me, like it it’s gotta be a a guy friend that that I trust, that you know, knows me and knows me very well, that you know, that I can vent to. And you know, for Kristy, it’s gotta be, you know, a girlfriend of hers that knows her very well, that that she can vent to, but also that that person, whoever that lightning rod is going to be, that they’re not going to egg on whatever’s going on. So they’re going to listen and they’re going they’re going to let you vent, but then they’re going to point you back to the person. They’re going to point you back and then and encourage you to say, okay. I get it. And I know that you’re upset, I know that you’re angry, hurting, whatever. But remember, Kristy’s your girl. You know, Kristy’s your person, you know, and and be an encouragement, not one to say, man, Kristy should have done that, and I can’t believe she didn’t do that. Like this this person, whoever it is, needs to be someone that’s going to hear you, but then point you back to a healthy point between between you and your spouse.

Kristy: 46:27
Whoever it is, whether you know, you’ve you’ve got to have this lightning rod, you’ve got to have people that just that it fills your bucket to be around them. Even if you’re an introvert, even if you’re the most introverted introvert, recharging your batteries on your own and being isolated are not the same thing. And being isolated is dangerous. Whether it’s an individual person or even as a couple, you can become isolated, and it’s just very, very dangerous. Um, nothing good happens in isolation. We are meant to be connected, we are meant to be relational, and we are meant to help each other to carry the burdens that we have in life. Um, so friends, family, if you struggle with that, if you know you don’t live in your family or you don’t you don’t have a lot of folks in your family, and if you’re new to the area or you just haven’t gotten out and made friends, find a connection point. Maybe it’s a hobby, maybe it’s a support group around the the disability or challenge that you have. It doesn’t matter, uh, but find somebody, find a way to connect. Um, chat up the clerk at the grocery store. Um find a church. You know, um, for Tony and me, Life Group has been over the years just a really amazing source of people. And we’ve joined our life groups, we’ve been just really blessed, really lucky. They’ve they’ve done well, they’ve thrived, they’ve branched, and you know, a lot of times we’ve been in the new, like we’ve gone to the new group, and it’s always with a little bit of trepidation and you know, what if they don’t like me? What if what if we’re not like them? What if we don’t have anything in common? And always we’ve made connections, we’ve made friends. Um I I would I would argue that the people, the couples that are closest to us have almost all come through a life group situation.

Tony: 48:34
And just uh, I mean, just life group is just it’s just our church’s way of just saying a small group. Yeah. So it’s just it’s just something it’s just something to be a part of a community. And honestly, this is this is it’s another reason why we have created Unshaken and why we’ve created, you know, not not only this podcast, but just we want to create this community so that so that again you know that you’re not alone. You know, so there’s so many different ways to to get in contact with us. Um, you know, depending on how you’re listening to this podcast, you know, there there should be a link right at the top of the description of the episode. Please click click on that link and it’ll give you, it’ll pop up as a text message and it’ll send it to us, and you know, we’ll be praying for you if that’s what you need. Like if there if there’s anything that we can do to help, you know, we’re you know, we will do whatever we can. Um, but we want to you know just foster that community um here, and that’s that’s why we do this. We’re all friends here. And so, you know, we we we we absolutely encourage you to find you know a local group that you can go to in person because you know there’s a lot of value in that person-to-person interaction. Um, but please do, you know, reach out uh to us. We we would love to be able to to just speak into those stories and just just share the experience and and laugh with you, cry with you, whatever whatever the case may be. But just know that that we are friends and we are going to be praying for you. And um, and we’re just we’re so thankful that you’re even listening to this podcast. Um so uh thank you guys so much. Hopefully this has helped you guys. If you guys have questions, please send those to us. We would love to talk through some of those questions, and and if it’s something that we’ve ex you know experienced personally, then you know we’ll we’ll speak from from our perspective. If it’s not, you know, I’m sure that we know people that have gone through those different experiences that we can lean on and bring on as a guest and and kind of just talk through those different uh situations. So please send us those questions, the prayer requests, anything that you guys have, we would absolutely uh love to hear from you. Um, Kristy, would you just pray us out and and uh just well again guys, we just love you and um we’re all friends here, and uh we’re just uh we just are so thankful that you guys are here.

Kristy: 51:24
Hey God, it’s us, a group of friends just coming to you very, very thankful for each other, for the opportunity to carry our burdens together, to share the weight of the things that are heavy in our lives. We thank you for the opportunity to bring these things to you in prayer and to just come to your, you know, come to your side and sit at your feet and just ask for the the love and the support and the care that we need to get through some really tough situations day to day. We’re thankful for each other. We’re thankful for the gift of marriage and for the ability to just love and and connect and make a just a beautiful relationship based on the gifts that you’ve given each of us individually and and as married pairs. We ask for strength and guidance and comfort for everyone who uh listens to this and is is impacted by disability or illness. We pray for the caregivers that they would find strength and just hope and encouragement and just the bravery to go forward when things seem really tough. We pray for the ill and disabled that their burdens would be eased, that their pain, their struggles would be minimal, and we just know that when anyone has a hard time, we know that your mighty hand is on them, and we just ask that you steer and guide and carry those who just need that little bit of extra support to get through their days. We thank you for who we are because of you, and we ask all of these things in the name of Jesus. Amen.

Tony: 53:06
Amen. Hope you guys have a great day and a great rest of your week, and we’ll see you next time.