Episode 77: When Help Adds to the Burden

Kristy: 00:07
Welcome to Unshaken, the podcast where unwavering faith meets real life. I’m Kristy, and together with my husband Tony, we dive into authentic conversations, offering biblical insights and sharing stories that inspire resilience, especially for families navigating the unique challenges of disabilities. Join us each week as we explore faith family and the journeys that keep us grounded in Christ. Don’t forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode. Let’s stand firm together. I’m here with Tony. Today we want to talk about when help doesn’t feel like help. So think about a time when you were struggling, people came to you with the best of intentions and said, let me know if you need anything at all. We’re here for you. Just let us know. Anything at all, anytime, just let us know. How many times did you ever take them up on that? Reach out, ask for something. You know, on the flip side, how many times have you said that? Just let me know what you need. Don’t hesitate. Reach out anytime. And I think that comes from a good place, right? If there’s a good intention, we want to help. We don’t want to be intrusive. We’re offering so that they know that we care. But at the same time, we’re not putting ourselves on the line in any way. We’re not vulnerable. We’re not offering something where they’re going to reject us. And what I think happens is when we put the offer on the table in that vague way, let me know what you need, it puts the work on the other person. And I do this all the time. What I say is, let me know how I can best support you. I don’t know what you need, you know, just let me know. And nobody lets me know. And I don’t end up helping, and then I feel kind of bad, and then they’re not helped. I don’t know why. I think I do this because I genuinely do want to help, but I don’t want to have this big conversation about, you know, making them tell me what they need, whatever. It just feels awkward. So I say this thing, and then I never help, and I feel better in the moment because I’ve offered, and that’s where it stops. I want to go, I want to shift gears and tell you about an example that I read, but I read this on social media. It challenges everything that I do, and I think everything that a lot of us do. And it’s a situation where this guy had a friend and she was struggling with some mental health stuff, was depressed, just having a hard time. And he would call her like every couple of days and say, you know, how are you doing? How’s it going? And she’d be like, I’m okay. You know, I’m hanging in there. Do you need anything? No, I’m good. I’m okay. I’m doing all right. I promise I’m okay. And this happened day after day after day. And then a couple of times he called and she didn’t answer. And he knew that she wasn’t suddenly better and out in the world. So he figured she was just ducking the calls. And he just kind of made up his mind like, I’m just gonna take the bull by the horns. And he thought about what he would have needed if he were in that situation, and he went to the store and bought some groceries, just basic stuff that anybody would need. And he took it to her house and he knocked on the door until she finally answered. And he took it inside and he put it away and he made dinner and then he sat with her and ate dinner. And she ended up saying to him, like, thank you so much. I needed this. I needed this so, so badly, but I would never have asked. And this is a situation where they’re close enough that he was able to do that. And it was not in a, you know, not inappropriate. So, all of this to say, I think that there is a cost, right, in identifying the task, deciding if that person is a safe person to ask for it, explaining what you need, getting it scheduled, telling them how you want it. Like, there’s just so much that falls on the person that’s getting helped in that situation. I think the right answer makes the helper the one who is vulnerable. You know, when I’m in a situation where I need something, I don’t want to explain it. I just need help. If someone would come to me and say, Hey, can I bring dinner by your house on Tuesday? I can say yes or no, right? But I don’t have to ask them for it. They’re making an offer that I can accept or refuse. And I think that makes it more comfortable for the person who’s receiving the help. How can we be easier to receive help from? I think we can be willing to be vulnerable. We can just do what needs to be done. We can not pick and choose the fun parts, we can do the hard parts. But I think we all already know these things and still we felt the need for this episode. Let’s talk about some of the specifics. And before we really jump in, let’s talk about some scripture. There’s a lot of wisdom in this scripture, and this is James chapter two, verses 14 through 17. And it says, What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to them, go in peace, keep warm and well fed, but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. And for me, the most critical piece of that is the go in peace, keep warm and well fed when you know they can’t. When you know what the need is, meet the need. When I think about times where someone has genuinely lowered my load, like actually relieved burden for me. Most of the time it’s been somebody that knew me really well. If it was my parents or my kids, I remember there was a time, oddly enough, this is how my parents found out I was pregnant with my second baby. I was so sick. It was a flu, like legit, I had a stomach bug. I was so, so sick. And my parents were checking in on me and they were worried, but they also knew that I was home. I wasn’t at work. They called and called. And I, you know, I they would text, I would text, whatever, and they weren’t getting the satisfaction that they needed. I wasn’t giving them enough evidence that I was okay. And they just showed up at my house and they let themselves in with their key and I was all kinds of annoyed about it. They came in the bedroom and I would like hadn’t eaten. I was so sick, you guys, I can’t even express to you. And my mother says to me, Are you pregnant? And I said, Yes, but that’s not what this is. So yeah, that’s how they found out about that. But it was because they came, they showed up knowing that I had to have had needs that I wasn’t bringing to their attention, they showed up. And that’s why they were able to help me because they came.

Tony: 07:22
It’s important to mention in this process that if you’re in a season where explaining what it is that you need is just something that would just add to the exhaustion that you feel. Please don’t feel guilty about that. As you were talking, I can feel the burden that you and others, when you’re in a tough season, you’re dealing with so much, you can’t bear the weight of having to make one more decision. The decision is made for you in a sense, so that you can just focus on dealing with whatever it is that you’re dealing with at the time.

Kristy: 08:01
Yep. It’s true. In that situation, I was I couldn’t take care of my own body. I was so sick. And once they knew the situation, my parents got on with the business of taking care of a sick person. The other example that comes to mind when I think about this is having a newborn kiddo. So I remember with both of my kids, we had a lot of support. We, I mean, we’re so blessed to have family and friends, family that’s local, and you know, back then family that was out of town as well, and just so many people that cared and so many people that were excited to meet our little bundles of joy and and um, you know, share in the in that part of our lives. But I remember with both of my kids, especially with my second, people would come to the house and they would be so excited and and offer their congratulations and they would say, here, let me take the baby. I’ll take care of the baby, and that’ll free you up. You can do, then you can do whatever, you know, whatever you need to do. And every time I handed my kid over, I felt a loss. I didn’t feel like it was a help. I felt like they were taking something from me. And with my second, it was so pervasive that I almost felt kind of panicky. Like this baby, I need the baby. I need her. I was nursing, I nursed both my kids. Like I need the time with her. I need to hold her. I need to bond with my baby. I need to not stop handing her off so that I can put in a load of towels. It seemed so counterintuitive to me. Since then, for me, when I’ve I’ve had a friend or a family member in that situation, I’ve tried to keep that close to my heart. And when you show up, offer to wash the towels, offer to clean the bathroom, offer to tidy up the kitchen, ask if they need groceries, all of those things, that’s what needs to happen. Instead of we all want to hold the baby. Everybody wants to hold the baby, but mom really needs to hold the baby. For me, that was just one of those things. And asking, can I do these things for you? I probably would have said, yeah, that would be great.

Tony: 10:14
When we’re thinking about these situations and when we’re trying to be helpful to that mom who’s got a newborn, being specific about how we can help so that this way they can then say yes or no. They’re not having to tell you what they need, they’re just answering your bid. They’re answering, you know, if you’re offering to bring dinner, you know, on a Tuesday, for example, they can say yes or no. And they can also say, My dinner for Tuesday is covered, but Thursday is not. I think just that being able to be specific really helps in these situations, instead of saying, Hey, just tell me what you need, I think the specifics kind of remove some barriers.

Kristy: 11:03
You know, I think as you were saying that, being specific, so making that bid, right? And you had talked about a counter bid. If you offer to bring dinner to my house on Tuesday, I know to what extent I know what kind of what the scope of a project that you’re willing to do. So now instead of saying, like, yeah, I need yard work that’s going to take you all day, I can say, no, we don’t need dinner on Tuesday. But if you could pick up the kids after school and drop them off, that would be fantastic. You know what I mean? It’s it’s kind of the same scope, but it’s what I actually need. And because you bid, I know how to safely counterbid. I think there’s value in that, there’s safety in that.

Tony: 11:43
And when we think about what would actually be helpful to the person that is needing the help, if we’re able to ask in those specific ways instead of being so general, I think it just lifts the weight of having to think about one more thing to give somebody to do. We’re trying to reduce the mental load when there’s obviously such a high load in this moment. So let’s reduce what has to be thought of, make it as specific and as easy for the person that that needs help at that point.

Kristy: 12:24
An offer to help, it works like empathy, right? You put yourself in the other person’s shoes, you see how it feels, you look around, see what needs to be done, and then you do it, or you offer and let the person, you know, accept or or say no or counterbid, but start with that position of knowing, you know, looking around and knowing what needs to happen instead of asking that person to ask you for that. And with that, I want to go a little bit different direction and add to this beast that we’re building here that initiative also needs consent. So proactive help is good. And in the story I gave you at the beginning, when I was talking about the guy that showed up at the lady’s house with groceries, that worked because he knew the person, he knew her circumstances, what she had and had not been able to do. And so it was a genuine help. But sometimes surprise solutions like that can bring new problems, like exponentially. I’m thinking about a situation where maybe somebody’s had surgery, and we’re thinking about things like meals and childcare and transportation and visiting and all, you know, all of these things that are going to happen, all of those things in that situation, because we don’t know the X factor of how that person is doing, what kind of shape they’re in, all of that requires consent and deep trust on the part of the person who needs the help. Think about, you know, a friend of mine had um, she had surgery recently. She had breast cancer and she’s beaten it now. She had surgery, and a friend started a meal train and was crystal clear that her son has a gluten issue and everything needed to be gluten-free. Imagine, though, that somebody had thought of the beautiful idea to start a meal train for this family and not said that. So now they’ve got buckets of food that they can’t eat, or everybody can eat except the one, the one kiddo. You know, when something so like so simple but so critical just really had to be part of that in order to make it actually helpful. Think about a situation where you feel like the person you haven’t seen them and you’re worried about them. And so you’re gonna stop by after work. As you pull up in their driveway, they also pull up, but they’ve come home from a really tough doctor’s appointment and they’re not in a position to visit or whatever. But because you’re there, now there has to be some kind of interaction. It’s just important to say, you know, I’m thinking about how to help. I have this idea. On the flip side of that, I decided what you need is actually really presumptuous. It’s not, that’s not helpful. And it’s a floating line between them. You kind of do need to have some insight into the situation. And so communication becomes important. It’s important to, like Tony was saying, to be specific, but I think we also have to be timely and we have to be just really big picture careful so that the help that is needed can arrive in a time and in a fashion and with the specifics that will stop it from becoming problematic instead of helpful.

Tony: 15:53
I want to go back to just Romans chapter 12, verse 10. Be devoted to one another in love and honor one another above yourselves. When we are doing these things, when we’re specific, when we have the consent of the other party to do these things, I think that’s where we’re showing that devotion. We care enough to be specific, but we also care enough that the details that they need matter. This family that needed the gluten-free food, that detail matters. We could bring all the food all day long if it’s not what they need in terms of allergy sensitivity, then all that food goes to waste. Yeah. We have to care for our people well.

Kristy: 16:46
We have to meet them where they are instead of just doing whatever makes us feel like we’ve been helpful. It’s not a box to check. It’s truly a need that has to be met.

Tony: 16:56
In that same space, we have to realize that we don’t have to guess perfectly. We can offer something specific and then let them counter with something that maybe is not exactly what we offered, but it’s going to be just as helpful, if not more helpful, within within the same realm of effort that we were already willing to make. Those concrete offers are able to make the process easier so that the person gets the help that they actually need.

Kristy: 17:33
Another thing that matters is keeping our word on it, being reliable. People knowing they can count on us matters at least as much, maybe more, than what they’re willing to do.

Tony: 17:46
That really points to just being proactive. Being proactive doesn’t mean taking over, dictating this or that. It’s it is more of the reliability to be steady. Letting the person count on the fact that if you said I’m gonna mow your lawn every Saturday, that they know that that’s gonna get done. Maybe it’s a it’s a ride that they need. And instead of having to ask every single time, they know that you’re going to be there and you’re going to provide that ride. I think the steady and the reliable things just matter so much more because I think what it does is that it lifts the mental weight on a daily basis or weekly basis, which I I think is much more valuable than the one-time thing. Anybody can do anything one time, but are you able to truly help me out when I do need that ride every single week? That just allows me to focus on getting through whatever this tough season is, rather than having to every day or every week, whatever the frequency is, worry about where’s this next ride coming from. If I know, okay, great, you’re gonna be here every Wednesday, awesome, and I can just do what I need to do.

Kristy: 19:14
I think especially in Tony, I’m gonna point to you in your situation because the reason that you need the continuity of help is because your situation is a disability. It’s not a season, it’s not a surgery or an illness or you know, a new baby. It’s it’s that you don’t drive because your body doesn’t allow that. And so that’s always going to be a need. And every week it’s going to become an issue until or unless you can put a situation into play that provides that continuity. And so I totally can see that as making, you know, such a difference. As you were talking about that continuity of support, what came to mind for me is transferring the responsibility for arrangements also without taking away the agency of the person or the family. So back to a more temporary situation, you know, let’s say that it’s a surgery. When this is happening, somebody in that person’s inner circle needs to step up and say, like, hey, I’m going to arrange such and such for you. Because what that family does not need in those days, you know, especially immediately after that surgery when somebody’s still in pain and we don’t know how everything went. And there’s still medical stuff like happening on a pretty continuous basis. They don’t need 87 phone calls from well-wishers wondering what they can do. How can I help you? What they need is a point person to share out the knowledge that, you know, the so-and-so is safely out of surgery and all is relatively well. Let’s start a meal train and it needs to be gluten-free. Have somebody outside of your immediate circle be the one who provides that sort of direction. And I think that per I think that’s important. And that person has to continually do that because what you need this week might not be the same situation in two or three weeks. The friend that I mentioned earlier, in the beginning, you know, there was a meal train in place for this family that was gluten-free. And in the beginning, what they needed was people to drop off food and go because of the way they set it up online. There was the ability to instead of bringing actual food, you could send food by DoorDash, or you could just purchase a DoorDash, um, like a gift certificate or a gift card or whatever, and they could order for themselves. And they needed food and they needed to kind of just be left alone because it was a lot. It was a really intense situation in those early days. But after a couple of weeks, three weeks, she still wasn’t an. Situation where she could be up and about cooking, carrying things and whatever, but she was lonely. Now she was feeling better. She was bored and she wanted people to bring dinner and stay. And so somebody on the outside who’s able to communicate that, I think would be a real help in a situation like that.

Tony: 22:21
This points to such an ordinary thing of just coordinating and communicating that. And I think that we need to not underestimate the value of that faithfulness of doing it week in and week out. Was it a big grand gesture just communicating, hey, thank you for the meal train, and we got that set up, but now she actually does need some company. So if you have the ability, when you are dropping something off, stay in chat a minute and just encourage her, lift her spirits. Just that communication and just being faithful with that communication and keeping everybody updated, was that a big grand thing to do? No. But I think that faithfulness of keeping everybody that was in the loop updated with what they were doing, what was needed, I think was invaluable to that family, even though it wasn’t the big flashy thing that a lot of people look for.

Kristy: 23:23
And another thing that I think overlays all of this is the gift of prayer in any situation. In that early time, when the surgery’s happening, when we’re waiting for, you know, a diagnosis, or we’re waiting on results to know if something is problematic or if, you know, if it’s not a big deal, or the baby’s coming and we’re anticipating a healthy birth, but we’re just kind of waiting for that. And like anytime that’s happening, letting the person know, even if it’s ahead of time, hey, I’m going to be praying for you, that I am praying for you, those those kinds of encouragements mean so, so much. But then when the balance shifts and they are, we are past that point of information or or decision or crisis to pray with that person, I think also has it has, you know, the same value with God, but I think a different kind of value with the person. And so I think, you know, that’s always something that can and should overlay, you know, your attempts to help. And if there’s nothing you can do, if they say, no, no, I’m good, you can say, okay, well, I will be praying for you and just let them have the encouragement of that. And then the results of your intercession on their behalf with our God.

Tony: 24:40
We’ve talked a lot from the side of the person that is giving the help and to try to help them be helpful when there is a person in need, but I want to speak just for a second to the person that is in need. If you are going through this season where you do need some help, carrying the burden on your own is not what God is calling you to do. And I don’t want you to feel guilty for needing the help. I also don’t want there to be fear that if you ask for help and if you get help, that you are somehow going to lose your voice or your agency. That’s not the case. Getting help can still be dignified where you are going to protect your agency and your voice so that as things change, you can still speak up to what it is you now need in a new season, or being able to just let people know, hey I’m good now. Thank you guys so much, and be able to move forward.

Kristy: 25:54
I think that’s also something that churches can do. And I think um in terms of you know, providing support to each other as individual members of the body of Christ, the church can provide someone or or be the one who becomes that point, you know, person and is able to speak for the family and kind of get the word out to the church community that, hey, this is what they need. You know, this is what the situation is. They are super grateful for, you know, for your prayer. They’re super grateful for the dinners that you guys have sent, you know, and now the need has shifted now that they’re back to work. It needs to be more like this. Or, and I think that’s that’s a really appropriate place for that to happen. It doesn’t have to be, you know, if a friend, you know, a family member that’s that’s maybe outside the household, you know, that could really be anybody. But I I do I do see a real place for the church there in service to our sisters and brothers. I think that’s a really important thing. Churches also are able to learn about people and document preferences and potentially provide training or instruction on specific things that need to happen so that if someone is going into the home to help, let’s say, with with transport or transfer of someone from bed to couch or something like that, I think a church can potentially get involved in providing that sort of support or training so that the person who’s receiving the help, the person who’s being moved or the you know, that person’s spouse doesn’t have to take on that role also. And I think when the answer is no, that’s not gonna work, or you know, no, we don’t need help right now. Thank you. I think the church can help to manage that situation as well, you know, where people really wanted to be helpful and now they might be feeling a little hurt or shut out. Like maybe it becomes, okay, we’ll touch base again in a few weeks and see where we are. And maybe the church at that point can organize, you know, hey, what they’ve asked for is prayer. That’s what they need more than anything. Provide that oversight to the process that that needs to happen, maybe outside that home, that family unit there. All of this to say, please don’t stop trying to help because you fear that you might get it wrong. The answer I think is let’s get better at it. I started in the beginning by telling you guys that my go-to is how can I best support you? And I truly do want to know how I can best support you. But what I never want to happen is now to put you in a situation where you got to figure it out, where you have to ask me for something that feels awkward or uncomfortable, or maybe we don’t know each other that well. And I still want to know how I can best support you, but I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. So if somebody in that situation is going to be uncomfortable, it needs to be me. And so I need to do a better job of stepping up for the people that I care about in becoming the vulnerable one and making a concrete specific offer that they can counterbid on or accept or reject outright. And then I have to be okay with whatever their decision is.

Tony: 29:18
There’s something too that I think we need to guard against, especially when we are looking to be helpful to someone else, is that we don’t have to become the hero in someone else’s hard season. We can love that person and help that person or family in a quiet way and still do a lot of good. Notice the burden that they’re carrying and just do our part. We don’t have to go above and beyond to try to be the hero of the day. I think the ordinary, the steady steps that are faithful, that happen, those things they’re quieter, but I think in the long run, it just gives some stability. That stability is a lot more valuable than making a big splash.

Kristy: 30:18
I agree. I think the win is not that I was able to help you, the win is that your burden was reduced. And it doesn’t really matter how, it just matters that it happened. With that, I think we should close it in prayer. All right, pray with me, friends. Father, we come before you. So grateful for the opportunities that you provide for us to be here for each other, to support one another as individual members of your body. We are grateful, grateful that you have shown us the way to do this, that you sent your son to help us to save us when there’s nothing we could have done for ourselves that would have helped. And because of that gift on your behalf and on his behalf, we can now be in relationship with you and live in Jesus’ beautiful example and care for each other. We are so grateful for the friends and family that we have. And we just pray that that people are safe and healthy. And where they aren’t, we pray that you would just raise your mighty healing hand and just relieve suffering, bring health, bring support. And above all, just let especially those people who are hurting know that you love them and that they are so very precious to you. We ask all these things and everything that we come to you with in the beautiful name of Jesus. Amen.

Tony: 31:47
Amen. Thank you, guys, so much. Hope you guys have a wonderful day and a, wonderful rest of your week. And we’ll see you next time.

Kristy: 31:56
Thank you, friends.