Episode 3: When You Feel Invisible

Kristy: 00:07
Welcome to Unshaken, the podcast where unwavering faith meets real life. I’m Kristy, and together with my husband Tony, we dive into authentic conversations, offering biblical insights and sharing stories that inspire resilience, especially for families navigating the unique challenges of disabilities. Join us each week as we explore faith, family, and the journeys that keep us grounded in Christ. Don’t forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode. Let’s stand firm together. Hello friends. Welcome back to Unshaken. Today we’re going to talk about finding hope when you feel overlooked. And I think it’s happened to all of us, right? Maybe at work you’ve put in some extra effort and it just wasn’t seen, wasn’t acknowledged, and you feel something about that. Maybe you were the easy kid in your family and it’s always this squeaky wheel that gets the oil. You know, you’ve found yourself overlooked. I think unfortunately, if this feeling is, it’s really common among people with disabilities. Whether it’s a visible disability and people make assumptions about what you can do or what you would want to do, and so they don’t include you, uh, or an invisible disability, and maybe you’ve had to cancel plans a time or two because you weren’t feeling well or you were tired. People after a while stop asking you to hang out. Transportation can be an issue for people with disabilities. There’s any number of reasons that sometimes it actually is the world kind of overlooking us, and sometimes we just kind of feel that way. I think when we when we go through life with a particular burden, sometimes it’s just you get tired and you just need somebody to see you, right? You need to be seen, you need to be heard, and that just doesn’t always happen for us. Um so if you’ve ever kind of wondered about that, you know, what can I do? Does God even know? Does God see me? Does God know I have this? Today is for you.

Tony: 02:13
And so like Kristy was saying, uh, there’s so many different times, especially when you have a physical disability where you are overlooked. And and I want to go back to even just childhood and and how friendships change. I remember early in my school years, so early elementary school, you know, I was a cool kid because I was in a wheelchair and and you know, there were different things, and just I think the kids were curious. And then all of a sudden, you know, the the summer between my third grade year and my fourth grade year, something just switched. And kids that I had gone to school with two months prior in third grade, now in fourth grade, all of a sudden were starting to make fun of me and starting to, you know, leave me out of things and not want to be around me, not want to, you know, associate with me. And and that’s kind of hard because again, like two months prior, we were the best of friends, and now all of a sudden, now you don’t want to be around me, and that just feels really, really bad. And when you’re a kid in that situation, like you’re confused, you’re like, I didn’t change, I didn’t do anything different. What you know, what’s wrong with me, you know, and that you you go through that cycle of like what’s wrong with me, and that can be very damaging. And and so, you know, uh, of course, when you’re dealing with you know physical disabilities, you know, you’re gonna be dealing with the medical community a lot. And I I love my doctors and nurses, like uh so many of you uh just do some incredible work, uh, you know, with kids and adults, you know, that have disabilities, and it’s because of you and it’s because of your efforts that we’re able to lead productive lives in in a lot of ways. And it’s because of the things that you guys are able to do, uh, whether it’s a physical therapy or whether it’s a a surgery or um, you know, speech therapy or whatever the case may be, like there’s so many things that I am so thankful for um for the medical community and and and you know our our friends that are in the medical community. Um but at the same time, there are you know times and places where where we do get overlooked. So many times I’ve I’ve seen you know a doctor that instead of addressing the actual patient, they go directly to the parent, you know, or they go directly to, you know, the caregiver or the person that’s standing, you know, beside them because they assume um that they they’re not able to speak for themselves. When in many cases they are absolutely able to speak for themselves.

Kristy: 05:10
We’ve seen that ourselves in our own uh our own marriage where I’ll go in with Tony because he’s gonna need help with shoes or whatever the case may be in that that setting. And sure enough, the doctor talks to me as if Tony’s completely invisible. And, you know, here he is hosting a podcast. He’s quite he’s clearly a good communicator, but it’s it’s like he’s not even there sometimes. It’s heartbreaking.

Tony: 05:34
And you know, I one of the one of the things that was very tough for me growing up was when I was 18, um, I knew I I was told by doctors that I was gonna need one more hamstring surgery. Basically, your hamstrings are done growing, so we need to make one more effort to just give you that last bit of length that we can so that we can keep you as flexible as we can for as long as we can in your adult life. And so you’ve got to go through this last surgery. And I said, okay, I said, I said, what is it? What does it look like? Well, you know, you’ll be in a cast for six weeks, and and they said, you know, you’re probably not going to walk at your graduation. You’ll graduate on time, but you’re not gonna walk at your graduation. And I’m like, no, I want to walk at my graduation. It was really important to me to physically walk across that stage, you know, for graduation. And so even before the surgery, the the thing that I kept harping on with the medical staff was surgery fine, six weeks fine, but let’s have a solid plan for rehab when the when the casts come off so that I have a shot at walking across the stage when it’s time to do to do that. Okay, Tony, no, no problem, no worries, you know. We’ll you know, we’ll absolutely make sure that that we have a plan in place. Okay, awesome. And so you, you know, I had the surgery, went through the six weeks with the cash, which was no picnic. Uh, anybody that’s gone through surgery and you’ve had to wear a cash for a while, and you know what that’s like, but but at the end, um, we did intensive rehab in the hospital for about two weeks, which was hard, but uh, but I appreciate it because it allowed me to to do some things. But I I kept asking, when are we gonna talk about the plan when I leave the hospital? I guess I knew that I wasn’t gonna be here forever. So when are we gonna talk about that? Oh, it’s coming, it’s coming, it’s coming. And it actually never did come. The the the medical team that I was working with had a meeting with my parents, and the only thing that I was told is, hey, you’re getting discharged tomorrow. Good luck to you. And so I I left that hospital worse than I was when I walked than when I walked in, which I expected, but but again, there was no plan for me to get better after leaving the hospital. And so I had to do things on my own, and I still feel like even today that I’m not where I was when I first walked into the hospital before surgery. And so those those things can be really helpful hurtful when the medical team doesn’t really take you seriously, and you’re and you’re trying to advocate for yourself. Like I was very vocal. I was trying to advocate for myself, and and at times I felt like I was hurt, and at times I felt like I was blown off. And that’s just that’s very hard. And so, you know, but we see that we see that all over the place, we see that in the workplace, we see, you know, there were times where I would I would go for a job interview, and I knew walking in, looking at the guy that was going to interview me, that he had already made up his mind that I wasn’t gonna get that job. I hadn’t even like shook his hand yet, hadn’t said hello yet, but I could just tell by the look on his face, it it wasn’t gonna, he’s already made up his mind because of the disability. And you know, that’s sad. You know, that’s I’m trying to be productive, I’m trying to work, I’m you know, I don’t want to sit at home all day. And you know, that that can be hard. And you know, same things happen in all sorts of environments, the same thing can happen at a church, and you know, the same thing can happen in the dating world, the same thing can happen, you know, um in in you know, social groups, and like when you go to you know uh picnics or or work, you know, gatherings or anything like that, like it’s easy to be overlooked because especially for me, like there’s only certain places that I can sit. And so usually that’s on the outskirts where where most of the people are not gonna mingle. So at an event, uh it’s easy for me to feel very alone, you know, and so you know, those those kind of things you just have to be very careful of. And especially in in the in you know, in the in the dating scene, it was it was very hurtful for me because here, you know, I’m trying to, you know, to find the person that I want to be with for the rest of my life. And, you know, there were people, you know, there were there were women out there that said, you know, simply because of your disability, I don’t want to date you. And that’s you know, that can be that can be very, very hurtful. That is their loss.

Kristy: 11:00
I win.

Tony: 11:02
Kristy says that she wins. Uh, you know, so those those things, um, you know, th again, there’s so there’s so many different environments that we could talk about that, you know, that that happens, and and I don’t want to harp on this that long. Um, but you know, we know that you know, through through all of this, you know, we wrestled with it, and and even as a couple, we still, you know, wrestle with it from that from time to time, but but what we do know and and what we are assured of is that God does see us, and God doesn’t overlook um us. And and so I just wanted to just talk about a couple different examples of that, um, you know, that we do see in scripture. Um, you know, in in the Psalms, you know, that there are countless times where, especially when David is writing a psalm, but you know, there’s uh Psalm 34 talks about the Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and and when you are overlooked, it’s easy to become brokenhearted. And you know, just know that in those moments, you know, the Lord is with you, you know, God is with you in those, in those moments, crying with you, uh, because He does see you. You know, uh an amazing story that that I come back to is in Luke 8, you know, when the when the woman who was out of hope and was desperate for a miracle, and she just thought, if I just touch his clothes, I just I just need to touch his clothes somehow, somehow, that that’s gonna help me. And and so, you know, she does, and immediately Jesus stops and he says, Who touched me? And and the disciples’ reaction is is is funny to me because they’re like, Jesus, we’re in a crowded place, there are people bumping into you all the time. How can you say who touched me? But Jesus knew. He had the intention of I gotta find this person. I I know something happened here, I gotta find this person. And he didn’t want to move until he figured out, you know, who touched her, and it’s such a beautiful ending to the story and of of the healing that she’s able to get. In this family, we talk about King David a lot. Um, and Kristy uh compares me to David all the time, and um, and and David is a classic example of of someone who was overlooked. Samuel goes to anoint the next king, and his David’s own family doesn’t think enough of him to bring him into the home for this process, and Samuel goes one by one through seven brothers because they assume that it’s it’s surely it’s gotta be one of these guys. One of these big strapped boys, you know, one of these big good-looking guys, you know, it’s it’s gotta be one of them, right? It’s it’s just gotta be one of them. And and they don’t even bother to send for David, who’s out in the field, he’s shepherding the the sheep, and you know, all and they don’t even bother to send for him. They think, they think so little of him that they don’t even bother to send for him. And and they get through the seven brothers and they realize, oh, it’s none of these guys. And so they ask, is there anybody else? Well, there’s David, he’s out there in the field. We’re not gonna, and and and I love that it records this in scripture because it says, We’re not gonna eat dinner, we are not going to eat or drink until you send for that boy. And they they send for him, he comes in. It it it’s probably not a fast process, and but it they send for him, he comes in, and and they anoint him, and you know, the the famous line of scripture: man looks at the outs outward appearance, but God looks at the heart, and God says of David, you know, here here is a man that chases after my own heart. And you know, and that’s that’s what’s important, you know. So so many times in the disability community, we are judged by our outward appearance. It happens all the time. But that’s not what God sees. God sees our heart, God sees you know the the things that we truly desire, and he sees us, and that’s important. And when we when we do those things, and and because we know that God notices us, we also know that he has a plan and purpose for us. So it’s it’s important that in those moments when the world does overlook you, for whatever reason, to know that God still does see you, and know that know that um he will see you for you know who you are. And and we’ve seen um just in our own lives and in our in our own marriage that we’ve seen him do this, and we’ve seen the world has overlooked us, and God has said, no, I see you. And there’s there’s been you know just different moments that that we’ve just seen in our marriage and and just in the experiences that we’ve had. Anything you wanted to add or any moments that just come to mind for you?

Kristy: 16:43
Um, I think yes, but maybe a different path. I I guess where this has taken me, where my brain has gone, is that there are things that we can do to facilitate. I mean, God can do anything, he doesn’t need our help, but he does see us and he does put people in our lives who are safe people, like people that when you’re when you’re feeling that way, you can you can call out and just say, Hey, uh, you know, hey, I need I need you, I need, I need to talk. Um, I watched uh um, I guess it was a podcast, uh with Simon Sinek, and he talks about eight minutes. He’s got a friend that that says, um, you know, I guess they he struggled with something, and and the friend was like, why didn’t you call me? You know, why didn’t I I feel terrible that you didn’t give me that opportunity? And they agreed that, you know, in eight minutes you can really turn somebody’s situation around. And so now if one of them calls or texts and says, Hey, I need eight minutes, the other one drops everything and just reaches out. Um, and literally in just a few minutes, you can really, you can really find peace and resolution to some of those feelings just by connecting with somebody that you trust. Um, you can pray. Um, you know, God, I feel invisible. It feels really bad. Can you please, please help me? Please meet me here, please facilitate connection. I mean, there’s nothing that he can’t do. Um, I think you can look for little moments. It’s those unexpected kindnesses, right? You’re at Target or Walmart or something, and and somebody says, you have really shiny hair, or I really like your shoes, or even something silly, like, oh, I just saw you put that in your cart. Have you bought that before? Is it good? You know, um I am ridiculous about um I can make friends anywhere. Tony kind of pokes fun at me about it.

Tony: 18:46
But Kristy, Kristy says that there are no strangers. It’s just friends that we haven’t met yet. And so, yeah, Kristy is able to make friends with literally anyone at the drop of a hat. It’s a skill that I I wish I had, and I just don’t have that skill.

Kristy: 19:03
But it’s in those those moments, right? Those unexpected connections where we can find peace and where we can be seen. Um, I asked a lady the other day, like, hey, how is that? I like I’m always looking for something different to make for dinner. It’s when we make the same things over and over, and just those little touches, even when it’s not, it’s not what you would consider like a it’s not a compliment, it’s not a positive thing necessarily about you, but it’s just a connection. I think those matter a lot. Um, we can find people who get it, people who have things in common with us. Um there’s, I mean, in in real life, there’s any number of ways to do that, whether it’s through your church or your school or you know, a meetup, uh just a group locally of people that have you know similar life situations um to yours or or people who um are united around disability or parenting kiddos with disabilities. There’s there’s really any number of ways to find it, but also um social media, which you know, sometimes I think it can be troublesome and isolating, but in other, you know, in other situations, especially where there’s disability, um, people don’t always have mobility or transportation. And sometimes the internet is a really great way to can to connect, um, and you know, and and to get into some of those groups and and talk about just shared, you know, common issues that that you have and and find some dumb cat meme or something that that makes you smile. And and you know, we can connect that way. Sometimes just it it doesn’t even have to be um a call or a text, but just sometimes send in a little something that, you know, just a shared moment, you know, happy Monday or whatever it might be, those things really, really can make a difference.

Tony: 20:50
Something that just makes you smile, you know, that then you’re able to share with somebody else, you know, just fosters that community. And honestly, it’s one of the reasons why we even started this podcast is we wanted to foster the community. We wanted to say, you don’t have to be isolated, you don’t have to, you’re not alone. You know, we wanted to to share some of the experiences because you know, we we we thought and we hoped that through this shared experience that that you wouldn’t feel overlooked, you wouldn’t, you would feel seen, you would know that you know that that there are people that go through the same struggles that you are, and and we’re here for you. We’re here to to pray with you, we’re here to laugh with you, we’re here to cry with you, we’re here to to celebrate the victories and and to to fight through the the hard moments. And you know, that’s that’s a big reason why we we chose to do this and while why we’re working on uh you know some other projects that will come down the road. So, you know, it’s it’s important to find that to find that community.

Kristy: 21:57
Yeah. Um sometimes you can find it by serving others. If you’re in a place to do that, they say that the the reward for the the giver or the doer is as great as or equal or or greater than the the the benefit to the the person who receives. And it could be any little thing. It could be as simple as just holding the door for somebody that’s coming behind you. You know it might be um it might be bigger it may be that you do somebody’s grocery shopping because they’re they weren’t able to get out they’ve you know are struggling for whatever reason it could be anything um but just that that sort of service mindset really can um it can ground us in sort of humility and and connection and it really spotlights the humanity that we share. You can do things like um like put sticky I’m the princess of sticky notes. I would wallpaper this house in sticky notes I think but um they just have so much value to me they’re they’re colorful and bold and you know something as simple as just a heart or you know a note or a a comment to yourself. There was a while a few years back there was a kind of a a movement that where people would go into the grocery store and where there are um diet aids whether you know products for people that want to lose weight and whatever people would go and put you know put sticky notes that say like you’re beautiful I’m proud of you you got this just really encouraging things um and and we can do that for ourselves. We can do that for our spouses we can do that for our kids.

Tony: 23:31
Yeah Kristy has a a sticky note that she put on my bathroom mirror that that I’m able to see every time that that I go into the bathroom and it’s just a a simple reminder I I love you you know and and and those things like it every time I see it it makes me smile uh because you know I I know she made it and you know there’s a cute little heart on it and and you know those again it’s a little simple thing you know didn’t cost you or anything it just but it’s a little simple thing and then it and it just makes me smile. So it doesn’t have to be a a a big grandiose type thing. Maybe you pay for the Starbucks for the car behind you or you know just something like that. Maybe you step in and and you help out in the in the baby room for you know one Sunday and you know you you know you you help out a struggling mom that like you can just see is just worn out. Yeah and you know you you help her with her lunch you know and because her hands are full and you know whatever whatever case maybe it’s just little things.

Kristy: 24:41
And I think um I mean I I want to come back to prayer it is it’s prayer is always I mean it’s always going to help you and and you can always always call on God because he’s never like taking a nap or off duty or anything like that. Like no matter when or where you are he’s there and he he’s listening and he sees you and he hears you he doesn’t always answer back in you know in a in a voice that we can hear. It’s it’s it’s not like that, but um there really is peace in knowing that he’s there. And he can bring people and and circumstances into your life that can fix it. But I guess what I would what I would leave you with on this is that you might have to be the one who’s brave enough to reach out to others. You know we feel overlooked and we we feel like maybe we haven’t been acknowledged or it’s you know people are doing fun things and we haven’t been included and and we’re outside the circle and it’s I mean that stinks right it it stinks that that we’re in that situation but we have choices. We can sit there and and fret about it and and feel left out and feel bad and and feel overlooked and unseen or we can pick up the phone and say hey you know I heard there’s a thing would you mind if I tag along you know hey can you swing by and pick me up you know hey do you want to go to lunch in a movie on Saturday? Like we have the power to advocate for ourselves and um especially in that mindset where we’re feeling hurt it’s not always the first thing we think of but it is absolutely something that is within our control. We can’t control what other people do but we can control what we do.

Tony: 26:12
We can control you know our our attitude towards it as well and and what Kristy just mentioned is something that I struggle with a lot. When I’m feeling isolated when I’m feeling unseen you know many times Kristy will say have you called anyone have you talked to any of your friends you know and you know especially you know my guy friends that that love to go fishing and you know like why don’t you see if anybody’s going fishing go with them you know but make the phone call as she you know she said guys are dumb they don’t call each other so pick up the phone you and you call and see if somebody’s because I guarantee you they would love to have you come they just don’t they’re just not thinking about it.

Kristy: 27:01
Yep especially when it’s stuff like that um and because Tony’s disability is a physical disability I think sometimes people don’t realize that he like what he’s able to do. And so instead of having the awkward conversation about dude I see you you know you walk with a crutch you’re not always real you know steady on your feet can you be in a boat? Like is this something you can do? Would would you like to? I mean I think it’s sometimes it’s just awkward to have that conversation and so we make assumptions. We you know let’s not ask Tony because you know because we don’t know about his situation we don’t want to make it uncomfortable we don’t want to make it awkward. Just ask you don’t even have to bring up the disability just ask you know Tony would you like to go fishing or taking the boat out and let him say you know that’s not going to work out for me but you know thanks for including me. Can we meet up for lunch after? Like there’s always a way to do it. And in a situation where where it’s a chronic thing maybe you live by yourself or there’s there’s not people in your area that have you know a lot in common with you or whatever the the case may be, set yourself up with a regular thing. Maybe you volunteer um maybe it’s at an animal shelter and you do it like every Tuesday or the second Tuesday of a month but set yourself up with recurring things so that if you are in a place where you’ve been feeling isolated, you’ve been feeling left out, you know that there’s an end to it at some point where you’re gonna go and and meet up and rejoin and you know and reconnect there.

Tony: 28:33
I think too and this is something that Kristy re reminds me to do more often than than she should have to but she she she loves me and so she reminds me over and over again get outside. Yes get outside get get underneath the sun and let the let the sun you know kind of touch your face and and you know and and there is something to that like when when you’re inside and you’re in a a a dark home you know it it can make the the feeling of being overlooked it can make it worse because because now you’re maybe you’re feeling overlooked but now you’re also in a dark place so now you’re now you’re like okay nobody can see me because I’m in this dark hole this dark room this you know whatever and so like get outside you know if if you’re able to you know walk or roll you know like if you’re in a wheelchair roll down the sidewalk if you can you know if you if you’re if you have crutches and it’s safe for you to do you know walk down the sidewalk. You’d be surprised how many people are you see just at random like maybe they’re walking their dog or maybe they’re you know taking their garbage out or whatever the case may be you know like maybe they’re getting their mail you know and and just those interactions can can just show you you know what you’re not alone and and people do see you and hey maybe you make a new friend you know and and and now you’ve got somebody that like you can talk to or hang out with for whatever reason. So it’s it’s just those things of of you know there are things that that we are able to control if we’re willing to do it. I hope that in all of this um you take away from from this episode you know that you are seen. Sometimes even when the world when the world may fail you as far as seeing you just know that God never fails God never fails at seeing you and God sees you each and every moment of each and every day and God is still writing the story with your life. And if you’re here know know that he’s not done with you. You know the there’s still another page to be written there’s still another chapter to be written and there’s still more for you to do and and we just have to be willing to go out there and say okay God what is it that you want me to do today and you know what is it that you want me to see today and if we have that kind of mindset of of like okay God I’m gonna be intentional about looking for opportunities to to serve to serve you and to serve the the community around me you know we’ll see those opportunities all over the place because we’re looking for we’re paying attention you know to those things and so we just have to be willing to do that. And so a great segue to just reach out to us you know in in the episode description there’s a way for you to click on a link and just send us a quick message. You know let us know what’s going on let us know how we can pray for you. Let us know you know share a funny story. We love to read those we we love to to to hear what’s going on in your world. Again we’re trying to build a community that like that we share things uh together so so reach out and let us know uh and let us again please let us know how we can pray for you um we absolutely love being able to pray for our friends and family so please do let us know what we can do and how we can pray for you um and just know again uh you are not overlooked you are known you are loved and you are seen and you are seen by a wonderful wonderful father who does love you um and love you so much that he gave his son for you and so know that sometimes when when it gets hard we feel your pain but God does see you and God does love you and we do too you’re our friends and so reach out and let us know what we can do to pray for you and um just know that we love you. I hope that you have a great great day Kristy would you um would you pray for us?

Kristy: 32:58
I will hey God it’s us coming to you again uh with our friends and just so very thankful that we know that you see us and you know us and you love us. We just ask that you please help us to see others, to see each other and to connect in ways that matter in meaningful ways with each other and that even if we are feeling overlooked, we can be the reason that somebody else doesn’t feel overlooked. So just please connect us and just foster those connections so that that we can create a better situation for everybody where we all feel seen and loved. We thank you for everything that you do for us especially for the gift of your son and it’s in his name that we ask. Amen.

Tony: 33:40
Amen again guys hope you guys have a great great day have a great week and we’ll see you next week