Episode 7: Are You Worthy of the One You’re Praying For?

kristy: 00:07
Welcome to Unshaken, the podcast where unwavering faith meets real life. I’m Kristy, and together with my husband Tony, we dive into authentic conversations, offering biblical insights and sharing stories that inspire resilience, especially for families navigating the unique challenges of disabilities. Join us each week as we explore faith, family, and the journeys that keep us grounded in Christ. Don’t forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode. Let’s stand firm together.

Tony: 00:42
My name is Tony. And uh today I just want to start with the question: Are you worthy? It’s an interesting question, isn’t it? And it’s also kind of broad. So let me just ask it in another way so that we can frame this conversation today. Men, are you worthy of the wife that God has blessed you with? And ladies, are you worthy of the husband that God has entrusted to you? If you aren’t married yet, are you worthy of the person that you are praying for? So let’s dive in. As men, if we’re honest, we love hearing the verse out of Ephesians chapter 5, 22, which says, Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. And ladies, I’m sure that you enjoy the verse that comes a little while later that says in 25, Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. And so we cherry-pick these two verses, and anytime that you cherry-pick uh random verses out of the Bible, you run the risk of losing the actual true meaning of those verses. What give those two verses meaning is not those two verses in and of themselves, but rather the verses that are before and after it, specifically verses 21 through 33. And so we’ll come back to that a little bit later in this conversation, but I just wanted to kind of have that in uh the back of our minds so that when we’re talking about whether or not we are worthy, it’s focused on what God says and not what the world says. Because the world would have you believe it’s all about me. What are you doing to serve me? What are you doing to provide for me? What are you doing to meet my needs? What are you doing to give me everything that I want? It’s self-focused, it’s self-centered. But what God says and what God models in his word and what we see over and over in Scripture is God is looking for us to serve others and not ourselves. And that’s going to start with how we serve the person that God has given us, whether it’s me as a husband serving my wife or my wife serving me. You know, I heard one pastor say at one point, marriage is a never-ending competition of who can outserve the other. That’s truly not a bad way to think of it. Looking back on our dating life, Kristy and I often tell people that when we were dating, it was like the dark ages of our relationship. And I can honestly say that when we were dating, I was very dumb and did some very dumb things. There were many times where I could have and probably should have lost her. Kristy has herself has said on this podcast that we did a lot of dumb things, and she’s absolutely right, and the lion’s share of those things fall on my shoulders. And those things happened because I was not serving her well. I was not trying to serve her well. We went through many cycles of hurt where we hurt each other. I feel like the majority of those times were self-induced from my end, where I hurt her a lot more than she hurt me. What I know beyond uh any shadow of doubt is that I did not lead her well. In order to break those things, we had to come together as a couple and we had to start to understand the power of prayer. Kristy has said on this podcast before that the one time she thought of breaking up with me was when I was refusing to pray with her. That was a very dumb, stubborn thing. I did not understand uh the power of prayer. It was only when we started to pray together and we started to see things turn around and see things improve that I fully believed and understood what she already knew in her heart, which was that prayer needed to be a priority. Starting to understand that not only with her, but also pray on my own and say, you know, God, what do I need to change within me to be better for Kristy? It was never a prayer of God change her. That was never a thought in my mind, that was never a prayer that couldn’t came out of my mouth. It was always, God, what can I do to be better? Because I knew that the majority of what we were struggling with was my fault. And I knew that I needed to be better. And what I realized over time was I needed to, you know, model the behavior of being a spiritual leader so that she could trust me more, so that she could feel safe, so that she could believe in me and lean into the decisions that I was making for not only myself, but also for us as a couple. So I needed to model better behavior uh so that she knew that I was trying to be the man that God has called and is calling me to be. And to be very, very clear, I have not arrived yet, and she would tell you that she has not arrived yet. We are still working on things individually and as a couple. You know, modeling behavior means am I in God’s word? Am I sharing what I’m learning in God’s word with her? Am I encouraging her to read God’s word? Am I encouraging her to pray, not only with me, but also pray on her own? One of the things that has always been very important to both Kristy and myself is protecting our marriage, especially when we are in public. So let me tell you a story. Um, we were having a lunch one day with a friend of ours, and at one point during the lunch, he looked over at my wife and he said, You know, I have never heard Tony say a negative word about you ever. And it got me thinking about how often we’re in social situations and we make some kind of joke about our spouse. It’s meant to be funny, it’s meant to be harmless, but anytime that I hear somebody make a joke about their spouse, whether it’s a guy or a woman, the first thought that always goes through my head is would you say that exact sentence or phrase if your husband or wife was standing right next to you? And if the answer is no, then why would you say it when they weren’t around? I truly believe that we have to understand that we are not in friendly territory, we are in a spiritual battle every single day, and the devil would like nothing more than to break up as many marriages as possible. Can we get into a habit of protecting our marriage at all times so that even when it is harmless and there’s no real threat to the marriage because it is a joke or something that’s that’s said around friends, you know, where there’s no danger of anything. If we are used to protecting our marriage, then when it comes time that we truly do need to protect it because of a very real threat, it will be so natural to us that it won’t catch us off guard. We will just be in the habit of protecting our marriage the right way. No, you will never hear me say something negative about my wife, even as a joke. And I know that she would do the same. She’s never going to say something negative about me in public, she’s never going to say something that would embarrass me or might put me in a bad light or anything like that. And it’s because we have made the commitment to protect each other in public. That doesn’t mean that we have like rose-colored glasses on for each other and we never address things that upset one another. No, we do that, but we do it in private. So Kristy and I protect our marriage by praying with each other and praying for each other, but we also pray specifically for the marriage. We extend grace to each other when we need to, and when the situation allows, we assume positive intent with each other. And so let me explain what that looks like. Let’s say you are the uh person in charge of cooking dinner each night for the house, and so you get home before your spouse, you cook dinner, and you are expecting that your spouse is gonna show up at 6 p.m. Well, today they don’t show up until 6 30. When they show up, you can respond like this. I can’t believe you’re late again, I can’t believe you continue to do this, you’re never on time. How could you do this? In this scenario, yeah, you’ve acknowledged that they’re late, but you’ve also made it a fight or flight mode, you’ve put them on the defensive, you’ve extended zero grace, you haven’t protected the marriage at all, and you have now created a situation where there is no space for them to explain why they were late. Versus when they walk through the door at 6:30, you were able to say to them in a calm voice, I’m so glad you’re home. Is everything okay? In this scenario as well, you’ve acknowledged that they’re late, but you’ve also extended grace, you are protecting the marriage, you are assuming positive intent because when you say, Is everything okay? You are saying to them, you’re late, but I I’m not going to assume that the reason why you’re late is your fault. I’m going to assume that there is a good reason why you are late. And you now have provided the space for them to explain, yeah, I was late because there was an accident on the road, or my boss really needed something at the last minute, it couldn’t wait till tomorrow. Um, so I wasn’t able to break away from work as soon as I would have liked to. Thank you so much for for cooking dinner, I really appreciate it. You know, how was your day? So, in that in that situation, you’ve given them the space to explain. Now, in that explanation, here’s the bonus part of that. If the reason why they’re late is something that is underneath their control, let’s say the reason why they’re late is they just lost track of time. That’s something that is under your control. And if that reason that they lost track of time is something that is consistently happening, not just once or twice, not once, you know, in a blue moon, but it is a consistent thing. They have just lost track of time. Because you have created the space where you have not put them on the defensive, you have responded in a calm manner where you’re not being emotional and you’re not, you know, responding with extremes, you then actually have a very easy opportunity to say, you know what, when you’re late because you lose track of time, it’s really hurtful to me because of this. Whatever that reason is, whether you just want to have dinner with them. You know, it’s maybe it’s one of the few times where you guys are actually able to spend time together on a daily basis. So that’s important. Maybe it’s something where you don’t want them to have to eat reheated food. You want them to be able to eat the food when it’s fresh and hot and not out of a microwave. You know, maybe it’s something where because they’re late, it pushes other things back that still have to get done. Like maybe, you know, the kids still need to get, you know, bats. Maybe the the kids don’t want to go to bed because they haven’t seen mom or dad yet. And so that pushes back, you know, bedtime. So that creates a situation, maybe that there’s a tough morning the next morning because the kids didn’t go to sleep when they normally do, and that routine is really, really important. So when you’re able to talk through why being on time for dinner or whatever the situation is, it’s not just dinner, it can be any situation. Whenever you’re able to talk through that space, why that is so important. Now the spouse has the opportunity to make adjustments. I know for me personally, it is very easy for me to lose track of time because of my ADHD. I am laser focused at times. And so when I am laser focused and I’m working on something no matter what it is, it is extremely easy for me to lose track of time. And so I have learned that if there is somewhere I need to be at a certain amount of time, that I need to set an alarm on my phone to go off to remind me that hey, it’s time to go, it’s time to leave. And so for me, that is what has helped me. You know, maybe for you it’s something completely different. You have to figure out what works for you and for what works for your family. But the point is that when you have assumed positive intent and you’ve given your spouse the time and space to be able to explain why they were late. And you both are then able to acknowledge at some point, not the first time it happens, because the first time is not a pattern. I’m talking about a pattern where they are consistently late and it is completely under their control. So when it is a pattern, you have the space to work that with your spouse to say, hey, this is really important to me. Can we work on this? And then give them the time and space to work on it. Those doing those things are what protects the marriage and keeps the marriage solid, keeps the communication flowing. Instead of it being a splinter that festers, you’re able to pull out that splinter immediately, come up with a better plan forward, and move forward in a much better situation and headspace. You know, Kristy really does live this out. And she mentioned in one of our previous episodes that she sees her two main roles as wife and mother, and she is an absolutely incredible mother to our kids. She is absolutely also a phenomenal wife to me. It is because of her that I have the confidence to do some things in ministry that I’ve never thought that I would do. Um, I’ve had the opportunity to speak in front of a lot of people. I’ve had um some doors open up that I know were a direct response to the prayers that she prays for for me each and every day. And when I know that she’s with me, and I know this every single day, I have the confidence to take some risks that I normally would not take if I did not have her. Um so she makes me feel like a superhero. It starts with prayer. I am the spiritual leader of our household, but we made the joint decision that she would be the prayer captain. What that means is she holds me accountable when it’s been a little while since we’ve prayed together. And usually I can start to feel it because if I feel like something’s off, I go to Kristy and I’m like, honey, is everything okay? She’ll look at me and she’ll say to me, Tony, we haven’t prayed in a little while. And when I think for a quick second, I have to acknowledge you’re right. We haven’t prayed in a little while. We need we need to fix that. And so she holds me accountable to make sure that we are uh consistently praying. Uh, I also consider her a mentor. As she has walked this path of education, she has grown into being a leader of teachers and professors and basically a teacher of teachers. And so the reason why I call her a mentor is because I have had the benefit of watching her lead and watching her lead teams, and I’ve learned from her both in her successes and you know some tough moments. I believe that I am five to seven years ahead of where I would be because I’ve had the benefit of watching her and watching her lead and being able to learn by watching her. Um, she’s also an incredible ministry partner. You know, with all abilities, I often get, you know, phone calls or emails from others wanting to start all ability ministries in their area, and I I love those phone calls. I love those emails. I love to have those meetings because I’m so excited to help others in other areas be able to start all ability ministry, but I’m only one person, and so sometimes if I’m caught in a conversation and there’s someone else that is, you know, in person that is looking to also have a conversation, my wife is able to step in and provide the same information that I would have to this person. Now she will always tell them, hey, you know, here’s Tony’s card, you know, here’s his phone number, here’s his email, you know, if you want to follow up with him. But I know in those moments, I have complete confidence in her and complete confidence in what she has told someone else because she is such a partner with me. She may not officially work for FCA, the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, but I consider her uh a part of my team and a part of uh a part of my staff just because she is such a vital part of my ministry, and I would not be doing the ministry that I’m doing without her. I would not be a part of FCA without her. Years ago, we were at an FCA banquet, and at the end of this banquet, uh we were sitting there kind of just talking with people as the event was slowly ending, and people were just kind of chit chatting and milling around and whatever. And she looks at me at one point and she says. We have to figure out a way to get you to get you to be a part of FCA. Now keep in mind this was before the all-ability ministry started, and I looked at her like she was crazy. I’m like, I’m not an athlete. I’m happy to help volunteer, and I’m happy to help with the tech side of things, but I’m not going to do this being on the front lines and doing ministry with and for FCA. And lo and behold, years later, that’s exactly what I’m doing. When I say that I’m here doing ministry because of her, and I would not be doing ministry without her, that’s exactly what I mean. She is vital to the ministry that I’m doing. And she is absolutely who God has made for me. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that she is exactly who God has made for me. And I’m so thankful for her, and thankful for the way that she sharpens me, the way that she serves me, and it motivates me to be a better person, be a better man, be a better husband, and it motivates me to serve her better and to serve her well. So going back to scripture and going back to this passage in Ephesians 5, starting in verse 21, we see it say, Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is the head of the church, his body of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Verse 25. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own body. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church. For we are members of his body. For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery, but I am talking about Christ and the Church. However, each one of you must also love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. To take that passage as a whole, we see that as husbands, we need to lay our lives down for our wives, and our wives are to submit to us. But here’s the key. As a husband, am I doing all of the things that I need to do for my wife to make myself worthy of her submission? It’s not, well, I’ll do it if she submits. No, I’m going to do it so that she feels safe and protected to submit. It’s not conditional. It’s I’m going to do it so that she can. Now, whether she does or not, that’s up to her. But my responsibility and my actions need to be such that I provide space for her in order to feel safe and protected so that she can submit to me as the head of the household because she knows that we are a part of the church. And as we are part of the church, I am submitting myself to Christ, who is the head of the church. So she knows that I am taking my desires, my wants, my needs, and all the things that I believe that we need to do as a family. And I am submitting that to Christ and letting Christ work through me so that as I provide direction and guidance to our family, it is coming from Christ, who is providing guidance and direction for me. When we say and when we think about it, or if we’re grumbling and we’re saying, My wife isn’t submitting to me, my first question is, are you worthy to be submitted to? Are you doing the things that Christ has called you to do in order to be worthy of that submission? On the flip side of that, wives, if you want your husbands to lay down his life for you, are you doing the things that Christ is calling you to do? Not your husband calling you to do, but are you doing the things that Christ is calling you to do in order to be someone that is worthy to have someone else lay down their life for you. If we’re doing these things not conditionally, of I’ll do them when they do this. No, no, no. Do them first and do them regardless of whether or not they are providing the response that you believe they should be doing. I want to be so very clear. If you are in an abusive relationship, I am not suggesting that you continue to submit to an abusive relationship. If you are in an abusive relationship, you need to seek help in whatever way, shape, or form that needs to be. Please don’t hear me say, no matter what, you need to submit. No, no, no, no. I am not saying that at all whatsoever. In a loving situation, in a loving marriage, husbands, we need to be doing the things that Christ has called us to do, regardless if our wives are submitting to us or not. We are simply to do them because Christ, who is our head, is calling us to do these things. And likewise, wives, there are things that Christ is calling you to do simply because He is calling you to do them, not because your husband is doing this or that. Our actions are not about conditions, our actions are obedience to Christ. And I’ll say it one more time. If you are in an abusive relationship, whether you’re the husband or the wife, if you’re the husband and you’re being abused, if you’re the wife and you’re being abused, no matter what the situation is, if you are in an abusive relationship, you need to seek help in whatever appropriate form that is. Please seek help. No one deserves to be in an abusive relationship. Christ is not calling you to be in an abusive relationship. That’s not what you should hear from this. This entire episode has been about what it should look like when there is a loving, healthy relationship. As always, we would love to hear from you if you have questions, if you have prayer requests, if there are stories you want to share, anything like that, or if you just want to say hi, we absolutely would love to hear from you. Uh, there is a link at the very top of the episode description. Uh, just click on that link and uh shoot us a message. Again, we would absolutely love to hear from you. Uh love to be able to pray for you and pray with you. We thank you guys so much for taking the time to be with us and to be on this journey with us. So let’s pray together, guys. And um again, I just hope you guys have a great week and a great rest of your day. Let’s pray. Father, we we come before you today, and we’re just uh so thankful that you have designed marriage uh the way that you have. Marriage is a great thing. Uh, I am personally just so thankful for Kristy, so thankful for the mother uh that she is to my children, uh, so thankful for the wife that she is. Thank you so much for creating her and for uh creating her specifically for me. Uh she is just an incredible woman, and I am so so thankful that uh you made her for me. Father, I pray for all of our friends that uh they would see strength in their marriage and that they would come to serve uh each other. Um and uh what a fun competition it would be to try to outserve each other and getting into a posture where we are just constantly trying to serve one another over and over and over again. Father, thank you so much for providing the instructions and the guidance to help us know and help us be able to hold ourselves accountable when it comes to how you want the husband and the wife to function in a marriage. Thank you for giving us a measuring stick so that we know whether or not we’re doing the right things to be worthy of the things that you have uh called us to do and the things that you have uh called us to be for our spouse. And most of all, Father, thank you so much uh for your son and all that he did for us by dying on a cross and raising back to life three days later. We love you, Father. We thank you for all everything that you do. It’s in your son’s name that we pray. Amen. As I said, guys, I hope you have a great rest of your day and a great week, and we’ll see you next time.