Episode 69: Your Child Doesn’t Have to Fit In to Belong

Kristy 0:07
Welcome to Unshaken, the podcast where unwavering faith meets real life. I’m Kristy and together with my husband, Tony. We dive into our authentic conversations, offering biblical insights and sharing stories that inspire resilience, especially for families navigating the unique challenges of disabilities. Join us each week as we explore faith, family, and the journeys that keep us grounded in Christ. Don’t forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode. Let’s stand firm together.

Hello, friends. Welcome to our very first episode ever of Unshaken. My voice shaken. I’m a little nervous, but I’m super stoked. We’re so excited to be here today, just recording this very first episode. It’s a brand new podcast and we’re so excited, so hopeful that that this is something that will bring hope and support and community and healing to each of you as individuals and to your families. We’re so grateful that God has brought things together in a way that that’s letting us lean out in faith like this and just try it, you know, take a shot. So thank you for clicking whatever you clicked in order to be listening to us right now today. And yay, Here we go.

Tony 1:33
That’s awesome babe. So my name is Tony, and I’m with my wife, Kristy. And so we wanted to start this first episode with just explaining the why There’s so many podcasts out there, there’s so many resources out there. And so we’re just wanting to say, Hey, why listen to us? Why does this matter? And so. Kristy Why don’t you talk about why this kind of spoke to your heart and and why, why unshaken? Why, why are we doing this?

Kristy 2:06
I think so. Tony and I have been together for a long time, and in varying forms. We were the very best of friends for a long time. First, we were casual friends. We got closer and closer. I know his previous spouse. He knows mine. And just over the years we grew closer and closer and dated. We were engaged, got married. And I think as we’ve seen those phases of our own relationship, we’ve done a lot of dumb things. And at this point, kind of on the flip side of a lot of that stuff, we’ve become really strong together and I feel like there’s lot that we could offer to other people, people with disabilities, people who have someone in their family, in their close family that has a disability, people who just have regular day to day struggles, whether it’s marriage stuff or families stuff. I think that maybe sharing some of what we’ve learned along the way and some of the missteps that we’ve taken can benefit somebody else and if that’s the case, heck yeah, I’m all in.

Tony 3:21
For me with Unshaken it’s lot about how we’ve been to navigate some pretty awkward conversations and some awkward situations that can be hard for people to bring up and for people to talk about. And, you know, do I do this? And there’s so much uncertainty. And so we were able to navigate that. We were able to talk through that kind of laugh that sometimes and when we hope that through these through these podcasts, that you guys, laugh, we hope that you guys can realize that, hey, we’re just two normal people and and we want to share our journey and hope that you guys come on the journey with us. We want to be able to show you that you can be real, you can be messy and still just have that Unshaken faith that God is there and God is with you and that there is a plan and purpose for your life, even through the messy and through the things that are tough and so When we think about why Unshaken, I really think about that. Life can throw you so many curveballs, but yet at the end of the day, when I lay down and I’m about to fall asleep, my faith is still unshaken because I know that I serve a God that loves me, that does have a plan and purpose for my life, for my wife’s life, for our friends and family, which now include you guys. Guess what? We’re now friends. So it is something that we just want to be able to say, You know what? We’ve gone through these things. Maybe it’ll help you. So we’re going to talk through a lot of different topics to be able to do that. And so, you know, so why Kristy? Why do we kind of land on Unshaken why are we calling it that?

Kristy 5:23
So it didn’t come easily. It came after lots of back and forth, lots of discussion, lots of

how about this? How about this? Nope, I hate them all. How about this? How about this? Nope, I hate all those. I think for me unshaken, I can be honest and say that it was Tony suggestion. And for me it’s things can feel shaky, right? Things can feel difficult. It can feel like the ground is moving below you. It can feel like through our days that nothing is steady and everything is in motion and that there’s so many moving pieces. But I think at the end of it, when you have the love of somebody to do it with you, to do it beside you, and when you know that, that there’s a God there that’s calling the shots and that has a plan, and that however out of control you feel or your life feels, that there is a plan, that there is somebody much bigger and much greater in charge, no matter how it feels in any given moment. At the end of the day, we can be unshaken, we can be strong and steady and know that that there’s a new day coming we’re just going to do our best and try again. I think to be shaken is is it’s just never something that we’re going to see in this in the life live and with the support that we have and the God that we serve.

Tony 6:54
So when you’re dealing especially with a disability, it’s so easy to lean into into the why, Why me and why is this happening? And and you truly don’t always have those answers. And so when you’re constantly looking for the why, why, why, it’s easy to be shaken. But when you understand that that there is a plan and purpose, you can rest in the confidence that even without all of the answers, because we’re never going to have all the answers as much as we might want to, as much as we might try. We’re never going to have all the answers. But even without all of the answers or all of the knowledge or all of the information, we can still have the confidence that that God does love us. God does have a plan and purpose. And so because of those things, we are able to be unshaken. So that’s just part of hopefully why this is called unshaken and why why it’s important to both of us. Kristy I did want to just talk about the our tagline that we kind of come up of faith, family and resilience and and why those words, versus so many others that I think we went through as we started to talk through, you know, what this looks like and what this was going to shape into so talk about how we kind of landed on those three words.

Kristy 8:30
So for myself and for I’m just going to speak for Tony, I’m sure he loves it when that. And for our family, really, faith is at the bedrock of everything that we do. It’s it’s what we lean on. It’s what we it’s just it’s sort of just our foundation. We don’t even always I think, see it intentionally just because it’s just always there. It just is built into what we do and who we are. And when I say that, I mean our faith in God. What I would add that for me, faith in my husband, faith in our partnership, faith in knowing the kind of kids that we’re raising and just knowing that there’s that there’s that my tribe is here, that I’m part of, part of that part of something where it doesn’t matter I’ve never had to do anything in my life without the support of my family. Like I’ve just always had that. And it really does inspire faith in God and in each other and to know that. So for me, that’s kind of how we got faith. I think family is at the center of everything that we do. I’m a mom, I’m a wife, you know, I’m other things too. But at the end of the day, the ones that matter the most, the ones that that I believe were given to me as sacred roles for me to play in this world. Mom and wife are at the heart of it. My my family is the reason for everything. And then when we come to resilience, I mean, you can bend or you can break. I think resilience is it’s critical, especially when life doesn’t go the way that we wish or hope that it would or expected it to or thought that it might. When you face the world with a disability or when someone that you love faces the world with a disability, it’s just you just you don’t have control and you have to sort of get okay with not having control. And I think a way that feels good and safe and productive to get okay with not having control is to just be resilient, to know that the wind’s going to blow. But it’s it’s not going to break you. You’re going to pop back up and you’re going to try again the next day. And there’s there’s just there’s just so much safety in that for me. And knowing that we bend so that we don’t break.

Tony 10:57
And so I think I think what you hear and in all that is that these three words for us, it’s not just a phrase or a tagline, but these three words for us are foundational. They they truly do

help us build everything else that we do with our lives as individuals, but also with our families and with the friends that we’re able to care for. And and just the people that we interact with. We always want to to do this from those lenses and we want to everything that we do is going to come out of the faith that we have. And as we look through tough situations, we’re going to look through it with resilience in mind because we’re not going to be swayed back and forth because of this circumstance or that. You’re not always going to be in control. What you can control, how you respond to it. And so we’re going to respond with that. With that resilience, with that faith, and we’re going to lean into those that we call family. And that just doesn’t mean blood. There are people that we have that we consider family that are not related to us by blood in any way, shape or form. But we love them anyway. And they are truly part of our family. And so, you know, these three words have a lot of meaning for us and a lot that there’s just significant for us because of the way that we both kind of see, see life and see the way that the we’re to interact with the world around us. And so

as we as we talk through that and want to give you guys an idea of what these episodes are going to be about going forward. So we are going to talk about marriage. There’s a lot, you know, that that we’ve been able to go through as a married couple that we want to be able to share. And hopefully those stories and hopefully those experiences can help. You know, if you got a good marriage, which I believe that we do, you know, hopefully, you know, those stories will be an encouragement. And if you’re if you’re in a marriage that’s struggling right now, hopefully it also is encouraging to say there there is a way forward. There is something that, you know, there are things that we can do because we’re going to talk about communication. We’re going to talk about, you know, how we deal with conflict and how we’ve kind of worked through that. It hasn’t always been pretty. And we’re you know, we’re going to, you know, bring you guys behind the curtain and we’re going to, you know, let you guys see, you know, the kind of our lives and just know that it’s not it’s not all pretty. There’s been a lot of mess and we’ve been able to kind of walk through that and kind of, you know, talk through that. But we’re also going to be talking about, you know, disability and how to navigate that I’ve I’ve got Cerebral Palsy you guys are going to hear a little bit more about that later on. And so, you know, how how do I navigate the day to day things that that I work through and the little tips and tricks that I’ve learned that that help me that maybe can help you. If you also have Cerebral Palsy or if you know someone that has Cerebral Palsy and and even if they don’t, maybe just gives you an idea of something that does work for you. And so we’re going to be talking about that. We’re going to be talking with other families. We’re going to be talking with church leaders because we know we want people to get connected with the church. But we also know that in a lot of situations, the church is falling short when it comes to reaching out to the disability community. And so we want to have that conversation and we want to talk with church leaders and brainstorm ways that we can come together and bridge the gap. So to say, you know, we’re going to we’re going to talk about our faith, we’re going to talk about how Scripture is is a really big part of what we do. And and how Scripture informs a lot about disability. You know, a lot of people are really surprised that there’s a lot in the Bible about disability. You just are just going to go looking for it. And of course scripture does talk about marriage and it does talk about family. And so all of those things are going to be in there. Kristy. I won’t forget something.

Kristy 15:48
I guess what I would add to that is and you’ll hear more about this shortly as well,

Tony and I have kind of unique work situations that just over the years we’ve kind of kind of driven forward. For me, it’s it’s been in I’ve worked in higher education for a long time, about 15 years. And most recently I am the director at a small school for kiddos with sensory and motor differences, mostly Autism and Apraxia. But I think that there are some resources, some things that that we’ve become aware of that that might help families that that have similar challenges. Sometimes it I shouldn’t say sometimes routinely I’m surprised to learn about resources even being employed in this space. And with Tony also being employed in a similar space. Tony works for Fellowship of Christian Athletes and leads a All Abilities ministry in support of kiddos that really haven’t had a chance to play so much. And so with both of us really working in this space every day, I continue to find out about resources that I’m just shocked that I didn’t know about before. And it’s, I guess even more surprised that I don’t know. There’s not like a central place, there’s not hub that kind of shares this stuff out to families impacted by disability. And so I think between the two of us, we can probably brainstorm some, some resources that maybe will help around school, around sports, around after school activities and inclusion and things like that, maybe advocacy or alternate methods of communication. I just think there’s a lot of things like that that we can probably bring in that might might be a benefit to our new friends.

Tony 17:52
And I think and I think all of that is awesome and this is going to evolve as we go forward. Kristy, did you want to go in and just talk about your background? Kind of alluded to it a little bit, and so why don’t you talk about your background?

Kristy 18:09
Well, I am a nerd personally and professionally.

My I have a bachelor’s degree in sociology and that really has shaped how I see the world. I really tend to view the world from that sociological perspective. And I love it. It drives me, it interests me, it intrigues me. It opens all sorts of gates and windows and places for me to wander off and think and explore I have a master’s degree in liberal studies with a concentration in educational leadership by way of a bunch of credits in human resource management and toward an MBA different places that I’ve worked, funded classes around what I was like, specific to the topic that I was working in. So I’ve kind of a weird portfolio that way. And then most recently I finished my doctorate in educational leadership and management in March of 2023.

Tony 19:13
I’m married to a doctor. You guys, I can’t believe it, but I am married to a doctor. That’s just awesome.

Kristy 19:19
Oh.

Tony 19:20
Sorry. hunny keep going.

Kristy 19:21
And I am so glad you guys can’t see my face being so red. But anyway, so there’s that. And I think all of that kind of has it’s just sort of paralleled my professional path, which has been, I mean, as, as a very young person, my family owned a business in the fishing tackle, sporting goods, that sort of stuff, realm and I work there for many years. I learned a ton about entrepreneurship and how to run a small business and just how to how to treat people and how to build community in a space like that. It was it was really cool. And then I left to start teaching. I started by teaching sociology and some other sort of freshman seminar type classes, critical thinking, career skills, strategies for success, like all that kind of stuff. That in theory helps students get off on the right foot going forward. From there, I moved into educational leadership. I have been a dean with some more traditional schools in terms of dean of faculty, that kind of position, and then with some smaller schools, most recently a small technical college where we have welding and medical assisting and veterinary assisting. I learned so much. It was just it was the neatest job. And then just going on a year ago now I’ve moved into the K12 space, which is something that I have really thought about doing for a long time, and I’m the director and principal, like I said, at a tiny little school for, for spellers. My kids, all of my students are non-speaking or minimally speaking. They all have challenges in terms of motor and sensory stuff, mostly autism. All of them have Apraxia to some, you know, to some degree, it affects their ability to speak, to initiate motion in some other ways. And I have to say it’s been it’s just been a crash course and it’s been so very cool. When I started, I was I was all kinds of nervous. I was sure I was going to get it all wrong. And I got lots of advice from from the board, from the school board there, from friends, from other people in the disability space locally here. And everybody kind of gave me some input. But what nobody told me was how immediately and how intensely I was going to love these kids it is love like I have never felt in any other way. It’s just it’s just it’s the most incredible thing, you guys. So I could talk about my kids all day long, but instead let’s talk about my other kids. Tony and I are very, very lucky. We’re just sort of blessed beyond measure. We have three kiddos. Our oldest is a kindergarten teacher and our middle is an artist and our little is a singer and a performing artist that is going to be starting college here in August. In a

music education program. So I guess we are kind of a family of teachers that way.

Additionally, and this is kind of a weird one, we’re a bicoastal family, so Tony lives here on the east coast of Florida in Melbourne, and we’re at this house today in Melbourne. Most of the week I live in Tampa Bay, almost literally directly across the state, so our other home is there and it started out this way because we this is a second marriage for each of us and we both have, you know, we both have kiddos. And so the custody situations and what have you lend themselves to us living separately. And done it for a long time and we’ve we’ve made it work again. It’s not without its challenges, but it’s just kind of how we do life together. And over time the kiddos have grown up. And then it became that we were sort of enmeshed in work situations that were very difficult to move or to just to sort of change in a way that kind of brought us together. We are finally approaching sort of a precipice where we have the ability to to consolidate and come to one home, which is going to take some time, I think, in terms of finding like a work life situation that that works and allows me to continue to spend time with my family over in Tampa Bay. My parents are there and my sister, my brother and our baby, our 17 year old baby is going to be in college over there but at the same time, my heart is here with Tony. And when I’m there, every minute I’m there, I miss him. And I’m excited to be here and to be able to spend more time with him and to just have a more traditional marriage, a more traditional life. So all of that sort of coming for us here in the in the, you know, the coming months. And then I guess in terms of my faith, that’s I mean, that’s a big piece of my life. And I’ve been really lucky. I grew up and I’ve just grown up in a Christian family raised by Christian parents. I grew up in church. I went to a Lutheran school for years. I learned my share and yours, too of Luther’s small catechism and memory verses and all that kind of business. And really I was just very lucky, very blessed to have been given sort of a just a bedrock of faith that way and grew up and kind of I don’t want to say that I moved away from it. I kind of slipped away from it and then have gone back to it just just changes and growth, I think. And what I can say with all my heart is that at this point in my life, my faith has never been stronger. And I think that the same is true of my marriage, the same is true of my family. And I think it’s no coincidence that that the the prayer and the the time and the time in church and the time in the word and and the fellowship and the leadership of my husband, all of that has brought me to a place in my faith and in my motherhood and my wifeness, I guess, where I just I feel very strong. I feel very I just feel very strong. I feel strong enough to be brave. And I mean, it’s just a really it’s just a really amazing feeling to have. I don’t know, like maybe talk about you for a while. That would be great.

Tony 26:35
So for me,

I, I started out as as a tech nerd, and in a lot of ways, I still am very techie person. I love technology. And, you know, I initially thought I was going to be a programmer, so I started I started at DeVry and thought I was going to get a degree in like network administration or something like that. But that didn’t end up working out. And so, you know, I took a lot of time off away from college and, and life happens of course

I got married very young and I had my kid and,

you know, but again, life happens and and through a lot of difficult circumstances unfortunately I had to divorce my first wife and

really was was kind of just searching for what was going to be next. And, you know, thank God for Kristy when you know, like she said, we we had been friends and been close friends. And

later on we did start to date and we’ll our story about our first date later on maybe in another episode but but we had we were dating and at some point I remember having a conversation with her I’m like, I just really feel like I need to get back to school, but I just don’t know that I can. I don’t know what I can do, you know? So she really encouraged me to talk with people that that I really respected and that I knew cared about me and was able to get back in school and

ended up getting a degree in biblical studies through Liberty University. And

from there, from there went on to

get my Master of Arts in Christian ministry, also from Liberty University and ended up with a lot of credits that are going to go towards a master of divinity but just haven’t finished that. Yet that master of Divinity degree is a whopper of a degree. And it just it just so much and it takes but but I’m close and I think I’m about a half dozen classes away

from from finishing my degree. So I’m hoping I’m hoping to finish that soon. And so in experience, wise, you know, if it can be done in a call center, I’ve probably done it everything from customer service to collections to tech support, you name it, I’ve probably done it.

But ultimately I knew that that wasn’t where God wanted me to be. It was just it was just job.

Truly. I stepped into my calling

with my position with the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, and I started with them at the end of 2022, and I was going to do the social media and kind of the tech stuff for our local county here in Brevard County. That was going to be my original job.

But as it happened, God always has a sense of humor. And and even though I thought I was going to be doing tech work as it happened, God had a different plan in mind. And about a month into working with FCA

I was able to see a video of the very first.

All Abilities camp and All Abilities is just FCA’s way of of naming

their disability ministry and they when I saw that that video I just broke down crying an ugly cry in front of about 30 people that you know that I barely met but

with with this ministry, I’m able to really speak into families and adults that have disabilities and be able to give an experience for kids and adults that have never had these kind of sports experiences before. So instead of telling these kids and adults that they need to stay on the sideline and stay out of the way, myself and my team we’re able to go in and say, No, we’re actually going to play with you. We want to play with you, and we’re able to bring hope and joy and just the gospel to to a community that typically doesn’t get the gospel and they and they get left out. And so, you know, being able to be around this community and to partner with other organizations that are also in this space and get to make those friendships and those partnerships, I’ve learned so much I learn every day. And being able to do that has been so, so much of a blessing and such eye opening to just feel and experience the different things and the different challenges that this community has to go through day in and day out. I know from my own life just knowing what I have to do to deal with with cerebral palsy, but at the same time just learning so much about so many others and so many other disabilities that are out there. And so my faith story is very different from Kristy. I did not grow up in a Christian home. My my family went to church for holidays. So we go to church at Christmas time where we would go to church for Easter. But otherwise I had no no real concept of of God. And truth be told, I grew up very angry at God because I didn’t understand why. And it wasn’t until I was a sophomore in high school that I actually came to faith in Christ and started my journey on on why. Why he did make me this way. And and it was just through his word and through you know, the things that that he exposed me to, that I was able to understand that that I wasn’t an accident. And I wasn’t a mistake, that he did have a plan and purpose for me, even with the Cerebral Palsy and what he has shown me over the years is that, you know, he wants to use the struggles my story and the things that I’ve been through, one, to help other people, two, more importantly, to bring glory to his name. And so that is I. I no longer see my disability as as a bad thing in fact, I see my disability as my God given ability to be able to impact his kingdom. And this podcast is a part that and being able to to do this and to meet some of you guys, hopefully and and be able to connect with you guys and talk with you guys as we go through

that, that’s a really big part of of what God has called us as a family and as a couple to do is to be able to help out people who are in either situations that we were in or situations that we’re in right now and be able to be an encouragement to to you guys, to our friends, because that’s where we want to do.

Kristy 35:46
Something that that I should have said earlier. And I’m just going go ahead and again speak for all of us. So Tony has cerebral palsy. He’s he’s talked to you a little bit about that. And I have some immuno stuff, rheumatoid arthritis, psoriatic arthritis, and I have have ADHD, and so does our youngest. So does Tony. All of us diagnosed and being treated for it, which has revolutionized life as we know it. I can’t begin express to you how that how that change has really affected us all.

I guess in this moment, that’s neither here nor there. It’s what I can say and I think I should say is that right up until the minute that I was diagnosed with ADHD, I didn’t believe I had it. I wasn’t sure it was even a thing. I thought it was just I just didn’t think it had anything to do with me. And I guess across my life I did guard things. And it was that was always able to make a path to find a way. And it was in my doctoral studies where Tony would sit across the table from me and I would cry because I felt overwhelmed and I had 50 pages to write and articles to read and whatever. And I just I felt like I had finally hit a place where I just couldn’t do it. I felt like my brain was bad. I must be stupid. Like I every every way to own it. I just owned it. I thought it was all me. And just thank God for Tony, who said as many times as he was brave enough to Kristy, We get your check for ADHD.

And finally I was like, Okay, fine. But it’s not like I don’t have ADHD. I’m just dumb. And then we found out that I have a very textbook case of ADHD combined type. And like I said, treatment has made all the difference in the world. But I up until those moments when it was a label that applied to me, I didn’t understand it. I didn’t I didn’t really think anything of it. I didn’t really acknowledge it.

And at this point, I mean, I just I want to lead with it as a I mean, it’s real. It’s a disability. It’s It’s a life changing thing one way or the other. It’s also a superpower. There’s a lot of good that comes with it. And we’ll talk about that, I’m sure, in episodes to come and what have you. But I guess the upshot to all of this is that some of my family’s disabilities are visible and some of them are invisible. We’ve got some kiddos with some mental health struggles, again visible and invisible. So when we when we say that we can relate, when we tell you that we’ve experienced some things, that we’ve seen some stuff, it’s true, you know, and it’s we’re not special. We’re not better anybody else. Our experience isn’t necessarily particularly unique, but what I think that we can offer you is a window into it where we’re comfortable with sharing it. Our family is comfortable with sharing some of the things that we have been through, the things that we’ve learned from it, the ways that we’ve learned to adapt to, to cope, to seek treatment, and where faith has really been instrumental in impacting, if not our physical condition, then our attitude and our outlook and again, our resilience. I feel like I just feel like that’s something we’re going to keep coming back to is resilience, because I believe that it’s

in a lot of cases, resilience is a choice. I think it’s I think it’s important that we keep coming back to that place where know that we can’t we’re not going to be beaten, we can’t be beaten. We’re just going to keep trying and keep supporting each other and, God willing, build a community of support with you guys and support you and support each other and just really get to know some people and hopefully make some connections. I’m very, very hopeful and excited about this platform and some of the other things that we’re working on. I just really feel like with love and openness and authenticity and faith and courage, I think that together together we can really build a community of support for all of us that that share this space.

Tony 40:49
I just think that’s awesome. And one of the things that you’ll hear and that you will know throughout all of our episodes is how important prayer is for us and our family. And prayer is central to everything that we do. And so we pray together as a couple. I know that Kristy is constantly praying for me every day, and trust me, I need it I’m praying for my wife every day. And, you know, whenever we go into a meeting or we go, even if I go to a lunch with someone, I’m always either calling Kristy beforehand or texting her at some point and say, Hey, I’m about to head into this meeting or to this lunch. Would you just cover it in prayer just so that in everything that we do we just cover it in prayer. And so that’s how we want to end this time with you guys and how we’re going to end all of our episodes is just with a quick word of prayer, because we want you guys to know that we are praying for you and that we truly do want to honor God in that space of this praying and just asking him to be a part of everything that we do. So Kristy, would you pray us out.

Kristy 42:16
Happy to hey, God, it’s us. It’s Tony and Kristy, two of your kids here, hopefully, prayerfully with with others, whether it’s a handful or a lot. I mean, I just we’re coming to you together. We’re coming to you on behalf of of ourselves and our friends, our old friends and our new friends. And just asking you that this week. You bring courage and restore our spirits and our energy and just where where any of us in our ever expanding circle have struggles that you bring relief, that you bring peace, healing, humor, hope and just resilience. We thank you for all of our new friends and for this really exciting opportunity to connect and to to try to build community where we feel like where there really hasn’t been enough community. And we just we ask you that everything that we do would glorify you and would help us to just be supportive, to be encouraging to to everyone that we’re we’re trying to reach here and again, to the to the people that we know and love already in our lives. As always, all of this we ask in the name of your beautiful son, Jesus. Amen.

Tony 43:44
Amen. I hope you guys have a great day and a great week and we’ll catch you On the flipside.